This is the second of 16 blogs discussing the patterns of tactics from my power and control wheel – Mind Games. Mind Games are deliberate attempts to psychologically manipulate someone. They are covert, coercive, manipulative intentions masked by innocent sounding communication. Mind Game language is designed to confuse and keep the victim from guessing
Effects of abuse
Tactic #1 — One-Sided Power Games
– Posted in: Intimate partner abuse Male perpetrators Why does he do itThis is the first of 16 blogs discussing the patterns of tactics mentioned in my power and control wheel - One-Sided Power Games. Research with men and women reveals that men who engage in one-sided power games show more concern about gaining something for themselves than showing concern for what they are actually doing to
No bruise no victim?
– Posted in: Helping victims/survivorsOne of the most common problems for women experiencing psychological abuse, is that they do not realise what is occurring in the early stages and are often not able to put it in context of their normal lives. When psychological abuse begins it will often creep in over time; a subtle edge of voice tone,
Do you feel like he treats you as a possession? Here’s why.
– Posted in: Social Institutions & AbuseRecently, when the New Zealand Prime Minister, John Key, responded to a sports radio show host’s question about which female celebrities he would have on his “wishlist”, John Key said Liz Hurley was “hot” and that Jessica Alba “looked pretty hot”. So what? Many people would ask – some would even say, “good on him”.
Anger that just won’t go away
– Posted in: Anger Belief in a Just WorldI've known many women who, after leaving a controlling male partner, experienced ongoing anger that just would not go away. Some women have incessant thoughts of revenge and fight with themselves not to do something they'll regret. I'm writing this blog in response to a comment posted by Amy in my blog post about how
Warning signs that your male partner is emotionally controlling you
– Posted in: Warning signs of abusePerhaps you got into the relationship quickly, maybe had sex much sooner than you wanted. Maybe you didn’t develop a friendship before suddenly spending most of your time with him and hardly, if ever, seeing your friends or family any more. Your life may have narrowed so that you’re no longer pursuing your own interests
Do you believe the world is just? Believing this can keep you trapped in relationship
– Posted in: Belief in a Just WorldMost people want to believe the World is Just and Fair. Melvin Lerner, a social psychologist who in 1980 wrote The Belief in a Just World: A Fundamental Delusion, says that the Belief in a Just World influences our assumptions about how to judge perpetrators who do harm and how to judge victims who are
Language women should use in the Family Court
– Posted in: Child custody Children's exposure to abuse Social Institutions & AbuseMost women who attend counselling – to come to terms with their partner’s psychologically abusive and controlling behaviours – often beat up on themselves saying: “I let it happen” and “I feel like I’ve failed”. Women describe feeling emotionally beaten down, shame, guilt, anger, sadness, depression, lack of confidence, insecure, discouraged, defeated, desperate, fearful, anxious
Abusers gain custody of children
– Posted in: Child custody Children's exposure to abuse Social Institutions & AbuseThis blog has been revised because the video I wanted readers to see has been removed from the internet, so I've left this short blog post here so that all the comments can remain. Previously I introduced a video on PBS video to hear children talking about the impact of domestic violence and the failure
Book review: Not of my making: Bullying, scapegoating and misconduct in churches
– Posted in: Belief in a Just World Bullying in ChurchesHere I write a review of Dr. Margaret W. Jones's book about her experience of abuse within church communities. My first impressions when I received this memoir to review were that it was a heavy long 400-page book with small writing so I thought it better be good! I was surprised that a Reverend had
How to Stay Safe When You Leave a Controlling Partner
– Posted in: Children's exposure to abuse Helping victims/survivors SAFETY of Women & ChildrenWomen who have male partners who psychologically abuse, restrict, control, manipulate and rob women of their sense of self, need a safety plan whether their partner ever lays a finger on them or not. Many controlling men stalk, threaten and harass women who leave. Other controlling men use physical violence, or threaten to kill, or
Shame experienced by abuse victims
– Posted in: Fear and shameDr Angela Jury conducted interviews with 25 survivors of intimate partner abuse for her PhD research. The following are extracts from a Massey University news release about her study: Abused women – especially victims of psychological and emotional torment – are often so paralysed by what they see as the stigma and shame associated with
Are women who live with abusive partners codependent?
– Posted in: Codependency Intimate partner abuseThe other day I met a social worker/counsellor at a seminar. When she found out I research domestic violence she immediately told me that women who stay with violent men are codependent. She said such women were just the same as women who live with alcoholics. She was not interested in another view because she
Women are socialised to find self-worth by living with a man
– Posted in: Gender socialisation Social Institutions & AbuseBut this does not mean they enter a relationship that leads to abuse and control. However, this was the case for many of the women I interviewed in my Masters research, and many of the women I see for counselling. Some women talk about having their life mapped out for them. For example, whether or
How victims cope with psychological abuse and coercive control
– Posted in: Crazymaking/GaslightingI had two clients arrive today in tormented distress. One client was confused about her husband's behaviours. She was also distraught because she is yearning to leave, but feels guilty at the thought of doing so. She wants to leave but is still confused about why he continues to be abusive and controlling despite the