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Learn About Coercive Control and Psychological Abuse

How to Know if a Woman is in Danger of Being Killed and What You Can do About it

– Posted in: Helping victims/survivors Intimate partner abuse Male perpetrators SAFETY of Women & Children Why does he do it

In the family violence scenario threats of suicide are manipulative and can lead to killing others.

Threats of suicide by a man with a history of psychologically controlling his partner can be an indicator that he could seriously harm or murder family members, often before killing himself. Such threats make it vital for wider family and friends to urge and support a woman to seek frontline help from skilled professionals.

Conducting a Homicide Risk Assessment Tool helps determine level of risk and can keep family members safe – and get appropriate help for the man.

When a controlling man threatens suicide to manipulate his partner these threats are grave – not because he may kill himself necessarily – but because everyday reality in USA, UK, New Zealand, Canada and Australia show such a man can go on to kill his partner and/or his children.

A reader of my blog titled “Domestic violence is much more than physical violence” wrote a comment outlining her concern for her friend whose husband threatens to kill himself as a way of getting her to do what he wants. She states that her friend called her husband to tell him she intended taking the children to her parents for the weekend. But he “left work drove on the highway behind them called her on her cellphone and told her to pull over and come home with him or he would kill himself”. Other men who make such threats say things like, “If you ever leave me, then I’m going to kill myself”, or “I can’t live without you”, or “If I can’t have you no-one can”, or “Death before divorce”, or “You belong to me, no other”.

Not only are these statements coercive – aimed at appealing to women’s sense of responsibility – but they should never be taken lightly. Too often these threats turn to reality. Threatening to commit suicide is a pointer, a red flag of grave concern much like when someone abuses an animal. It represents a risk factor that points toward a real possibility that the person will also abuse family members, as I have discussed previously.

Homicide-suicide may be a comparatively rare problem, not everything finally gets to murder. But it can – and it does

Psychological abuse and power and control know no bounds. There are no rules of certainty about how far things may go – but there is a growing worldwide body of knowledge that cannot be ignored. It’s essential to know what to look out for in order to take precautions to keep family members safe.

So my blog is intended to give you information to help support women who may not be informed about indicators and risk factors that may lead to murder. It is not only OK to speak up and help women, it’s vital.

Remaining silent contributes to the problem – as does ignorance

I know anecdotally that a woman who was killed by her controlling ex-husband last year may have been saved if her family had fully understood the very real risks of her leaving her husband and going back to the house to collect her possessions. Tragically her family had been trying to do all they could to support her – but their lack of knowledge about the signs of abuse makes the woman’s death even sadder.

Some suicidal men may commit homicide before killing themselves

Threats to commit suicide is a red flag, an indicator that such a man could go on to seriously harm or kill his partner and those most close. Men commit most of the homicide-suicide cases. Most victims are women and children. Therefore it is imperative that women (or their supporters) learn to understand the nature and gravity of the situation and seek help by way of a risk assessment.

Find professional help to conduct a risk assessment

Staff at women’s family violence programmes or men’s stopping abuse programmes should be able to assist you in conducting a risk assessment tool. You should expect staff to conduct: “a review of the case history, risk factors, the nature of the risk, the necessity for immediate intervention, safeguarding the victim, and managing the perpetrator” (Office of the Chief Coroner Province of Ontario 2006:45).

Be aware though that not all professionals are specifically trained in the dynamics of family violence and risk factors that can lead to serious harm or murder. In their fourth annual report of the Domestic Violence Death Review Committee, the Office of the Chief Coroner Province of Ontario (2006) describe some cases in which members of the public and/or professionals did not intervene effectively. The following is one case in which both the man and the woman had involvement with the mental health system at different times in their lives:

“. . . and there was some vague reference to abuse in her relationship, however this was never explored, followed up on or dealt with . . . in the years directly prior to the murder-suicide, the perpetrator had become seriously disturbed and socially isolated . . . yet there was no apparent screening, exploration of relationship issues or abuse by any mental health professional. Level of risk must be assessed and managed. The perpetrator was identified as ‘seriously depressed’ and was encouraged to retrieve his gun to be able to go hunting as form of therapy. However the gun was used in the homicide” (2006:15).

It is vital that the professionals you approach take seriously the possible danger to family members, other than the man who threatens suicide

If you are not satisfied that the professionals you contact seem to understand the problem or that they minimise or ignore it – then it’s important you keep searching for appropriate help. Professionals must “assess whether there is also homicidal ideation when individuals report suicidal ideation and vice versa” (Australian Institute of Criminology, 2009:5) and professionals must be trained in how to use a risk assessment tool.

Risk assessment tools

A risk assessment tool is based on years of research of real life situations worldwide. Risk factors can include psychological, biological, sociological and other factors that were often present for someone who murders, or attempts to murder a family member. However, not every situation is the same and risk assessments are only indicators of possibilities. To avoid missing or misinterpreting clues it is important that lay people do not try to figure this out alone. People trained in the dynamics of family violence can help you and the woman you are supporting.

Trained professionals will assist you in understanding what the list of risk factors means in any given, individual situation.

Campbell’s Intimate Partner Violence Risk Assessment

You can download Jacquelyn Campbell’s Intimate Partner Violence Risk Assessment tools here and take it to a trained professional who will explain exactly how the assessment works. I have discussed this risk assessment instrument in another blog post here.

Risk Factors indicated by Barbara J. Hart Esq.

  1. Threats of homicide or suicide
  2. Fantasies of homicide or suicide
  3. Access to weapons, previous use of weapons and/or threats to use weapons
  4. “Ownership” of the battered partner
  5. Centrality of the partner
  6. Separation violence
  7. Depression
  8. Access to the battered woman and/or to family members
  9. Repeated involvement with the justice system
  10. Increase in personal risk taking
  11. Hostage-taking

Barbara Hart’s list of risk factors are available here.

Risk Factors compiled by the Office of the Chief Coroner Province of Ontario

The Office of the Chief Coroner Province of Ontario (2006) compiled detailed information about risk factors that might lead to murder. You can download a copy of their fourth annual report of the Domestic Violence Death Review Committee (see reference below) and read pages 30-33. You could take the report with you to a family violence trained person who will assist you in dealing with the perpetrator’s behaviours and will know the steps to take to help keep family members safe.

Risk Factors flagged by New Zealand Police

Risk factors compiled by the New Zealand Police set out below aim to alert professionals that a particular situation may indicate that someone is at risk of dying or suffering serious harm (you can see the following risk factors on page 83 in the Standards New Zealand, 2006 document here).

  1. The offender is obsessed with, dependent upon, or is stalking the victim.
  2. Recent separation, issue of a court order, or divorce and responding in a dangerous manner.
  3. The victim believes the offender could injure or kill her/him.
  4. The offender has strangled or attempted to strangle the victim.
  5. There is a history of family violence and it is getting more severe or increasing in frequency.
  6. The offender has threatened / attempted to commit suicide, or to kill the victim, children or other family members.
  7. The offender has access to weapons, particularly firearms and has used, or threatened to use them. They may have convictions involving weapons (knives, firearms).
  8. The offender has easy access to the victim, children or other family members.
  9. Children are in the home when the violence occurred or have been hurt or threatened in family violence situations.
  10. Incidents of animal abuse by the offender.
  11. The offender has a history of alcohol or drug problems.
  12. The offender has a history of violent behaviour against non-family members.

A history of physical violence is just one possible risk factor. Marie De Santis, from the Women’s Justice Center, Santa Rosa, CA, USA emphasises that many risk factors “usually don’t bleed! In fact, these high risk factors often don’t leave any visible marks at all.”

“If only …”

Speak up on women’s behalf

I urge you to speak up on behalf of women when you believe they’re at risk of serious harm or murder. Silence is not an option anymore – psychological abuse, power and control, family violence are no longer private matters. Keeping abuse private is actually yet another tactic of control and isolation. If you know any woman experiencing anything discussed in this blog, I urge you to support her. She may be isolated and unsure and not be able to help herself in some circumstances. She might not realise the gravity of what a threat of suicide can lead to, and she may not be reading this website or able to find other resources to help herself. The very nature of power and control isolates many women, creates confusion, is crazymaking and can be debilitating financially and psychologically.

You may be her sole link – and only hope

Women need support – some women might reject it – but ultimately keeping women safe from serious harm or death is everyone’s responsibility.

Ask the woman whether she believes she is safe or not

Some women are capable of assessing for themselves whether their partner is capable of killing her, but many are not (as I discussed in a previous blog post).

The Washington State Department of Health guidelines (2008:8) suggest that you could assess the woman’s immediate safety by asking:

  • Do you feel safe to go home today?
  • Are you afraid that your partner may seriously harm you?
  • Are there weapons in your home? What type?
  • Has your partner ever threatened you with homicide or suicide?
  • Is confidential shelter an option you are interested in seeking?
  • What is your plan if future violence occurs?
  • What is one thing, in your opinion, that could be done to support you?

However . . . in a case reported by the Office of the Chief Coroner, Province of Ontario (2006:17):

“the victim [of homicide] did not feel that her partner posed a threat of lethal violence although many warning signs were present that were consistent with a potential risk for domestic homicide. There were opportunities for friends, family and community professionals to intervene but they appeared to feel limited or stymied in these attempts because the victim believed she could handle the situation on her own. Research in this field suggests that approximately half of domestic homicide victims minimized the risks posed and saw their partner as harassing and annoying, but not dangerous. In these matters, the public and professional interveners need enhanced skills to engage the victim in a discussion on the risks that are apparent and the importance of safety planning and risk reduction strategies. These approaches have to recognize the victim’s ambivalence or guilt about separation and her misguided belief that she can manage the threats on her own without police or court intervention.”

Refer to my blog for discussing safety tips with women if they intend leaving their partner. AND seek professional help with this too. I have yet to write safety tips for women if they stay with their partner or if they’ve already left him. For help with those two scenarios I suggest googling for that help.

It is not enough to just warn the victim that she may be in danger

A description of some homicide-suicide situations from the Ontario death review is available for reading in the Office of the Chief Coroner’s 2006 document (see below for the reference). These case studies show that it was not enough to just warn the victim that she may be in danger. Often friends, family, workmates, and so forth suspected there were high levels of risk for various women, “however, with no assistance from any outside resources, were unable to intervene effectively” (2006:11).

It suggests you do not make any conclusions from the above risk assessment tools yourself. Marie De Santis from the Women’s Justice Center in California reiterates in her document on homicide risk assessment the very things I emphasise:

“The only sure way to determine the presence of these high risk factors is through careful, comprehensive victim interviews.”

Men who abuse and control their female partner need help

For my PhD research I interviewed men who admitted to abusing and controlling their female partners. All the men had sought help to change. Often men who use power and control are actually quite vulnerable and dependent on their partner – which in part contributes to their desperation to never let her leave. One man told me the following:

“Well I’d certainly recommend if anybody was in a similar position to me that they should come and attend one of these courses, it’s certainly helped me, like if I didn’t come to this course, I probably wouldn’t have changed my behaviour and I’d be a single man now. Either that, or I would’ve jumped off a bridge, I don’t know, I certainly wouldn’t be happy, I’d say that. Not that I’m big on killing myself or any of that nonsense, but yeah, my life would be over if my wife left me, I would have nothing to live for.”

However, often men refuse to admit they are abusive and refuse to get help to change.

Many men don’t believe they’re perpetrators of family violence, rather they think other men are

One man I interviewed said he had been sneakily hiding his abuse against his partner and that a neighbour had once come over for help to get a protection order against her husband. The man I interviewed said that at the time it did not occur to him that he was abusing his wife in the same way that his neighbour was abusing his.

The popular culture is full of stereotypes about what kind of man threatens suicide to control his wife and what kind of man kills his wife. But it is ordinary men, it is men you buy your groceries from, men you seek insurance advice from, men who are wonderful school teachers, men who offer you help to clear your yard on the weekend. Generally, monsters do not commit murder – it is ordinary men who can, and do monstrous things. Men’s stopping abuse programmes are there to help ordinary men to face the truth of what they do that harms others. And once they start attending – many realise they’ve also been harming themselves and many admit they don’t like harming their loved ones and they want to be challenged and want support to change.

Remember that threats can have serious implications in the end

And speaking up on behalf of others is a way to keep victims safe and a possible way to encourage help for offenders. While most men who threaten suicide or homicide are able to disengage emotionally, Johnston and Campbell (1993) state that some remain obsessed with the woman.

You never want to hear yourself saying “If only . . . .”
So please . . . . speak up, speak out loud on behalf of women. Keep the family safe.


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  • Lorraine 31 October 2015, 10:25 pm

    It is scarey reading this as my ex clearly uses divide and conquer. My Mother is worried and has been showing me magazines in the past. He has left his clothes here, which is a similar pattern to getting back with me. We were friends for eight years, where I was in a relationship of 22 yrs and have 3 boys. He cheated and my ex helped me through a dark lonely part of my life.

    Then I noticed he put everyone down who was in my life. He is so warm and friendly, helpful to people who don’t really know him. Like he was to me as a friend of eight years. When we lived together he would get jealous of the children, if one of my boys lay in the bed next to me he would say it was disgusting and social services could get involved. Even when the kids said to their dad on the phone “Love you Daddy” he would mimick them to me. If I took pictures of the kids I knew he wanted to be in them too. In an argument in a car he threw the car in front of a passing car and then swerved it back to our lane.

    I thought about what my Mum said and thought she is right. If I am not happy about something he would not talk and sort it out, he would bring up about my children or mother or friends and be very negative. He would be hurtful and call me names. When I finished it this time again as he expected me to clean, cook for him and so did his mother, while I worked, studied and be a mother, he drove the car on the path to block me on my way to work. I got out of a small gap and he told me to get into the car. After what happened before there was no chance. I quickly walked away and he said I would be late for work, I said I didn’t care.

    Luckily a white van stopped with a couple who told me to get into the van. I quickly got in and he got out of his car to quickly open the door. I panicked and shouted drive! I know he is not going to let this rest, and I know if I ask his Mum ‘can I leave the clothes at hers’ which is a few minutes walk away she will say ‘no’. He is a Mummy’s boy and how his Mum shouts and says hurtful things, he does too.

    I left my phone at home as my son was waiting for a call. I had a few missed calls from my ex’s Mum. She left messages saying she was a better Mum than mine. Again there was that pattern. Last time I said to go to counselling, his counsellor could see no problem.

    I feel I do need something like a panick button. In the past, he has said he would kill himself if I leave him. I worry about my three boys, he wanted me to have a baby with him but I said ‘no’ being 43 years and deep down knowing he would think he would own me. He would tell me I shouldn’t have had 3 boys and talk ridiculous. He has a boy who he doesn’t see, but he said he was tricked, and if he was a girl he would have contact, but he doesnt like boys. Which I know is a message about my three boys. He said he wants a girl so he can sit in the restaurant with. He went into my work asking me questions any men working there, he told me his surname was another surname, as he doesn’t like his surname. He tells people he lives in a posh area, not where he is from.

    One day eating out my ex struck up conversation with the waitress as he normally does with people. I join in and she asks ‘where do I live’. I tell her. She replies she would love to live there but can’t afford it. I reply I did a mutual exchange with the council that I couldn’t afford to live there otherwise. My ex was fuming, he got up and walked out, I was shocked and so was the waitress. I walked out after him baffled and the waitress said the bill wasn’t paid. I apologised and went to my ex sitting in the car. When he came back he gave out saying I told her I lived in council property. I always have done when people label me incorrectly. He said he wanted me to be like Penny, he is a Rod Stewart fan. I sat there worried how he is not being realistic.

    So now I am afraid of what his next step is. Previously he’d be at my work or where I go to lunch, or bump into each other in a shop. Now I think he was probably following me and it wasn’t a coincidence. He would say that’s because we are meant to be together … sigh.

    I am worried for my children and me. He knows I think the world of my children and live for them. He mimicks me when I tell people I have three boys. I really do believe in the saying “If you want to know me live with me.” I will see if I can buy a panic button and give it to my neighbour who is a close friend who kept warning me he is possesive.

    He told her one day when we were working in the garden he will move me away in a few moths. She replied I wouldn’t be moving and they stared hard at each other. You see the films, want not to believe people and you’re caught hook line sinker. He says I am naïeve and I can’t read people and he can. I think reflecting back this is what these type of people go for — naïve people.

  • Brit 29 June 2015, 1:19 pm

    Hi Natalie! I just read your comment. I hope you will see this reply or that perhaps you have gotten some help or support already. This is not stuff that everybody deals with in order to be in a relationship. Yes, a lot of people are in abusive relationships and don’t talk about it, but these relationships are not the norm and not the majority. It is so hard to leave and stay away, but with time it gets easier. And you get some peace back in your life. And you can take the time to get counseling and heal so you can enter into healthy relationships going forward. Your life will be so much better.

    The things you describe are so typical of abusers. They can be wonderful sometimes to the point that we can temporarily forget or block out the physical or emotional abuse from before. But it always comes back. Doubting yourself and thinking you might just be reading too much on Google and that you might be crazy is a result of the abuse. It makes us doubt everything about ourselves, our instincts, everything. It sounds like your abuser is doing his fair share of gaslighting and manipulation and it is really hurting you and isolating you from receiving the support you need from your friends and family.

    Please try to find a domestic violence shelter or advocate group near you. Or go to any counseling center or hospital, and they should be able to connect you with someone who can help you. Even if the physical abuse is infrequent, not that bad, rare, etc. It always comes back and it’s normally worse each time. Believe in yourself. You can do it. You are strong. Check out “Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence” group on Facebook- that is a good support system to start with. Good luck to you!

  • Natalie 26 May 2015, 9:00 am

    I needed to read this information today. I have been dating a man for 3 years that I have now had 2 serious physical altercations with, and I am wondering if it’s just me or if I am dating a monster. He is very charming, likeable, good looking, vain, ladies man, smart, and even fun. My family loves him, my friends love him, I quit talking about things to them because I feel like nobody cares or listens. And maybe it’s because I keep taking him back. But he has threatened suicide when I wanted to leave after being cheated on. He tells me I’m fat and ugly and nobody but my ugly ex is going to want me. He shows up at my work screaming at me for not responding to text messages quickly enough, follows me, calls my phone 30-40 times if I’m busy or unavailable, won’t let me out of his car when he is screaming at me and I want out, blocks me from leaving his home, and accuses me of cheating on him constantly, he recently was speeding very fast and slamming on his brakes and throwing me around his car. He didn’t hit me, but I ended up with bruised leg, shoulder, arm, ribs, an egg on my head, and my back thrown out.

    After that I flung the car door open to jump out because he would not stop the car and he let me out on the side of a dark road about 30 miles from home. Only bc he knew if a cop saw him driving with the door open he would have questions to answer. When I told him what he did to me he said I need psychological help and to not contact him anymore. I didn’t tell anyone mainly because I’m embarassed about being with someone who treats me this way. Then he keeps showing up at my family members’ houses for cookouts and telling everyone that I’m just crazy. In the past he would show up with a very nice gift for me, or does something very thoughtful and says I’m beautiful or amazing, or wonderful, or that he would be so lost and lonely in the world without me because he has no one. So I see why it’s so hard to get away from men like him. Sometimes I feel like if I don’t leave him he will end up killing me eventually. And then part of me wonders if I am just crazy or reading too much google and maybe everybody deals with this stuff in order to be in a relationship and they just don’t talk about it.

  • Portia 17 February 2011, 1:25 pm

    I have to say this site is amazing as your words describe perfectly the truth of family violence.

    I am 15 years supporting women escaping and freeing themselves from abusive relationships.

    I learned through personal experience.

    I had read lots of books in University, but all those books were of no use or value in the University of Life.

    The lack of knowledge of this abuse by professionals is alarming here in UK and Ireland.

    Many profess to know and understand but in truth do not.

    Women are still seen as “mad” and even deemed so by propfessionals with no qualifications to diagnose mental disorders.

    The “Eve-ill” (evil) women again – clearly exists in the collective consciousness, and of course so many females are conditioned to believe everything is their fault.

    I have seen a perpetrator in court actually managing to convince the learned judge that the psych report for the victim was a fake – she had received a clean bill of health.

    I have heard social workers tell victims that domestic violence is not important in divorce cases and that children do better with the perpetrator as it toughens the children up.

    Best interests of the Child often does not enter the equation, yet the law states that Best interests of children is paramount.

    I have seen police with little or no understanding of perpetrators unless the victim is dead.

    In the UK there are mothers who were beaten to a pulp, hospitalised and yet the courts gave full custody to the perpetrators and the victims are not allowed to see their children until they reach 18.

    In UK 55% of mothers who disclose domestic abuse lose their children to forced adoption – so in truth the victims are being punished by the very system paid to protect them.

    Perhaps it is the “in camera rule” (meaning you cannot discuss your case with anyone except your lawyers) – secrecy that keeps this problem hidden like the church and child abuse, because society does not wish to accept responsibility for it and rather brush it under the carpet?