SpeakOutLoud

About Coercive Control and Psychological Abuse

Psychological abuse

Workplace bullying is similar to domestic violence

– Posted in: Workplace bullying

Workplace bullying entails one person engaging in an ongoing campaign of power and control over someone. The person being bullied feels brow beaten, anxiety, low confidence, stress and feels they're going crazy. The same is true of domestic violence — which entails an ongoing campaign of mostly non-physical tactics that control the victimised person. The [...]

Jekyll and Hyde: Will the ‘real abuser’ please stand up

– Posted in: Male perpetrators, Warning signs of abuse, Why does he do it

Most women who come to me for counselling are often confused and exasperated by their male partner’s flip flopping between ‘good guy’ and ‘bad guy’. Pauline said her husband Chris, “would be so lovely and charming to other people and so shit horrible to me.” Peter, a man who’d attended a stopping violence programme told [...]

How mothers can support daughters coping with an abusive relationship

– Posted in: Helping victims/survivors, SAFETY of Women & Children, Why does he do it

Judy, whose heart was breaking witnessing her daughter living with an abusive man, made a comment about her daughter under my post Warning Signs that your Male Partner is Controlling you: “We hardly ever get to see her …. It’s all a lot of small things — calling her names, abusive to the max, being [...]

Tactic #15 — How Men Coerce Women into Domestic Slavery and why Equality is the Answer

– Posted in: Gender socialisation, Intimate partner abuse, Male perpetrators, Why does he do it

This is the fifteenth of 16 blogs discussing the patterns of tactics from my power and control wheel — Domestic Slavery. Amongst heterosexual couples, many people believe the man should be the breadwinner (although being the sole breadwinner is really only possible for wealthy families). Alongside this, many people believe the woman should stay at [...]

Tactic #14 — Symbolic Aggression

– Posted in: Intimate partner abuse, Male perpetrators, SAFETY of Women & Children, Why does he do it

This is the fourteenth of 16 blogs discussing the patterns of tactics from my power and control wheel — Symbolic Aggression. Drawing from research with men who have used symbolic aggression, and women who have been subjected to it, this blog illustrates just some of the tactics — these include the ways the perpetrator uses [...]

How Men and Women Experience Domestic Violence Differently

– Posted in: Intimate partner abuse, Myths about Domestic Violence

I wrote the following blog on why gender matters for the Home & Family Counselling Blog. I've changed just a handful of words. However, this blog post is about heterosexual relationships, but I have put links here to services that resource and support male victims in heterosexual and homosexual relationships. Understanding the role that gender plays [...]

Tactic #10 — Denial, Minimising, Blaming

– Posted in: Intimate partner abuse, Male perpetrators, Why does he do it

This is the tenth of 16 blogs discussing the patterns of tactics from my power and control wheel — Denial, Minimising, Blaming. We are all responsible for the choices we make in life. We’re personally responsible for our own thoughts, beliefs, assumptions and interpretations of situations. Our thoughts lead to our feelings and in turn [...]

Tactic #9 — Using Social Institutions and Social Prejudices

– Posted in: Intimate partner abuse, Male perpetrators, Social Institutions & Abuse, Why does he do it

This is the ninth of 16 blogs discussing the patterns of tactics from my power and control wheel – Using Social Institutions and Social Prejudices. Many perpetrators of psychological abuse use social, health, legal and other institutions such as child protection services as arenas to further their coercive control over their intimate partner. They use [...]

Tactic #7 — Degradation & Suppression of Potential

– Posted in: Fear and shame, Intimate partner abuse, Male perpetrators, Why does he do it

This is the seventh of 16 blogs discussing the patterns of tactics from my power and control wheel – Degradation & Suppression of Potential. Men who degrade their female partner do this by calling her derogatory names like slut or whore, using abusive language, correcting things the woman says or does, by depriving her of [...]

Tactic #6 — Emotional Unkindness & Violation of Trust

– Posted in: Fear and shame, Intimate partner abuse, Male perpetrators, Why does he do it

This is the sixth of 16 blogs discussing the patterns of tactics from my power and control wheel – Emotional unkindness & violation of trust. Emotional unkindness entails DOING something unkind and the ABSENCE of, or FAILURE to do something kind. Emotional unkindness is a failure to provide for emotional needs such as encouragement, understanding, [...]

Tactic #5 — Over-Protection and ‘Caring’

– Posted in: Intimate partner abuse, Male perpetrators, Why does he do it

This is the fifth of 16 blogs discussing the patterns of tactics from my power and control wheel – Over-protection and ‘caring’. Many men who psychologically abuse and control their female partners do not define their behaviour as cruel or abusive. This is partly because their behaviours make perfect sense when viewed from their belief [...]

Warning signs of coercive control

– Posted in: Warning signs of abuse

I wrote a blog post Warning Signs of Coercive Control by Your Partner for the Home & Family Counselling organisation's Blog to give women some pointers about warning signs of coercive control by a male partner. Clues to warning signs that you're in a relationship that is highly likely to continue to get worse - [...]

Tactic #2 — Mind Games

– Posted in: Intimate partner abuse, Male perpetrators, Why does he do it

This is the second of 16 blogs discussing the patterns of tactics from my power and control wheel – Mind Games.   Mind Games are deliberate attempts to psychologically manipulate someone. They are covert, coercive, manipulative intentions masked by innocent sounding communication. Mind Game language is designed to confuse and keep the victim from guessing [...]

A new power and control wheel

– Posted in: Intimate partner abuse, Male perpetrators, Why does he do it

You may recognise the Duluth ‘power and control’ wheel (on the left below) … it has been hanging around noticeboards at women’s centres, doctor’s rooms, and various other crisis places where women seek answers and shelter from violence perpetrated by their partners and spouses. The wheel is a summation of violence based on women’s experiences [...]

No bruise no victim?

– Posted in: Helping victims/survivors

One of the most common problems for women experiencing psychological abuse, is that they do not realise what is occurring in the early stages and are often not able to put it in context of their normal lives. When psychological abuse begins it will often creep in over time; a subtle edge of voice tone, [...]

How to Know if a Woman is in Danger of Being Killed and What You Can do About it

– Posted in: Helping victims/survivors, Male perpetrators, SAFETY of Women & Children, Why does he do it

In the family violence scenario threats of suicide are manipulative and can lead to killing others. Threats of suicide by a man with a history of psychologically controlling his partner can be an indicator that he could seriously harm or murder family members, often before killing himself. Such threats make it vital for wider family [...]

“Ensuring our manhood stays intact”

– Posted in: Gender socialisation, Male perpetrators, Why does he do it

Men and women are socialised into a society founded on social hierarchies. In the west, those who are considered to have higher status than others are white people, people with higher education, men, people in the middle age range (that is not children and not elderly), people who are physically and mentally able, the rich, [...]