Comments on: Domestic violence is much more than physical violence http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse See the power and control, free your mind, open your heart, live fully Tue, 15 May 2012 10:26:13 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Stacy http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse#comment-209 Stacy Thu, 16 Feb 2012 03:26:08 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-209 Hi, This is my story ... after being apart from this man for 8 years now. His daily routine is to mentally abuse me in anyway shape or form. I'm writing because I'm at my wit's end with everyone in our community not seeing this - or they do but don't help me?! I have full custody of our 2 children and he appears and is a good dad in some ways. But, the bad (that's hidden) OVERcomes ALL the good! My family know ... our children know I hurt and am very insecure and they are also insecure. Not bragging, but I am a beautiful person inside and out. And, my boys are so handsome. When we are all at sporting events that we have to attend I'm on eggshells and they are so nervous. It's everyday something so evil ... I can't explain it, but to only my mother and my best friends ... they know! But, how do I get this to stop effecting me and my children so badly. Thanks in advance. Hi, This is my story … after being apart from this man for 8 years now. His daily routine is to mentally abuse me in anyway shape or form. I’m writing because I’m at my wit’s end with everyone in our community not seeing this – or they do but don’t help me?! I have full custody of our 2 children and he appears and is a good dad in some ways. But, the bad (that’s hidden) OVERcomes ALL the good! My family know … our children know I hurt and am very insecure and they are also insecure. Not bragging, but I am a beautiful person inside and out. And, my boys are so handsome. When we are all at sporting events that we have to attend I’m on eggshells and they are so nervous. It’s everyday something so evil … I can’t explain it, but to only my mother and my best friends … they know! But, how do I get this to stop effecting me and my children so badly. Thanks in advance.

]]> By: No bruise no victim? — SpeakOutLoud about psychological abuse http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse#comment-182 No bruise no victim? — SpeakOutLoud about psychological abuse Fri, 27 Jan 2012 01:57:33 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-182 [...] Psychological abuse is either hidden or is considered less important than physical violence. This could be because of the imminent life-threatening nature of physical violence and the visible bruises and broken bones that some women experience. The media sensationalises physical violence and it’s extremely rare to read of a critical analysis of the perpetrator’s use of non-physical control tactics. [...] [...] Psychological abuse is either hidden or is considered less important than physical violence. This could be because of the imminent life-threatening nature of physical violence and the visible bruises and broken bones that some women experience. The media sensationalises physical violence and it’s extremely rare to read of a critical analysis of the perpetrator’s use of non-physical control tactics. [...]

]]> By: Jane http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse#comment-180 Jane Thu, 26 Jan 2012 03:07:14 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-180 Thank you for your article, which explains 'what is really going on here' and has helped me to understand what is happening in my family 5 years after leaving my husband and how he is attempting to control me via one of my sons, who is almost adult now. It has also become evident that my son is being adversely affected by it. This is worrying. I realise how important it is to get help again. I thought I had got away from it, but it is creeping in and starting to interfere with my sanity and my relationship with my son. Thank you for reminding me that it is not my fault, although it is quite hard for me to say and believe that. Thank you for your article, which explains ‘what is really going on here’ and has helped me to understand what is happening in my family 5 years after leaving my husband and how he is attempting to control me via one of my sons, who is almost adult now. It has also become evident that my son is being adversely affected by it. This is worrying. I realise how important it is to get help again. I thought I had got away from it, but it is creeping in and starting to interfere with my sanity and my relationship with my son. Thank you for reminding me that it is not my fault, although it is quite hard for me to say and believe that.

]]> By: Diane http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse#comment-179 Diane Sat, 21 Jan 2012 11:31:08 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-179 Hi, I left a relationship about 3 months ago with a man who was beginning to show signs of control. In the beginning he managed to move the relationship along very quickly without me even realising. I was flattered; there were flowers, weekends away, meals out. In fact it was almost too good to be true. I remember the first time he upset me - we were out eating Chinese in a restaurant and he criticised my choice of outift saying that my jumper 'was like an old granny's jumper'. It upset me and he said 'ha ha I was only joking, god don't be so sensitive'. Well I am sorry but I am a sensitive person. He insisted on calling me at 6pm and 10pm on the dot every night that he wasn't with me and if I complained or said there was no need to call me again, he got upset and accused me of not being bothered about him. This is how it was constantly and it began to wear me out, it was all about him and his life, what he wanted. My question is: was this domestic abuse or is it me being selfish and sensitive? It's been 3 months since I broke up with him and he still writes me letters, begging forgiveness and another chance. I have not responded but sometimes I do get lonely and think about contacting him. Have managed to resisit so far. Hi, I left a relationship about 3 months ago with a man who was beginning to show signs of control. In the beginning he managed to move the relationship along very quickly without me even realising. I was flattered; there were flowers, weekends away, meals out. In fact it was almost too good to be true. I remember the first time he upset me – we were out eating Chinese in a restaurant and he criticised my choice of outift saying that my jumper ‘was like an old granny’s jumper’. It upset me and he said ‘ha ha I was only joking, god don’t be so sensitive’. Well I am sorry but I am a sensitive person. He insisted on calling me at 6pm and 10pm on the dot every night that he wasn’t with me and if I complained or said there was no need to call me again, he got upset and accused me of not being bothered about him.

This is how it was constantly and it began to wear me out, it was all about him and his life, what he wanted. My question is: was this domestic abuse or is it me being selfish and sensitive? It’s been 3 months since I broke up with him and he still writes me letters, begging forgiveness and another chance. I have not responded but sometimes I do get lonely and think about contacting him. Have managed to resisit so far.

]]> By: Clare http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse#comment-22 Clare Thu, 27 Jan 2011 06:07:03 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-22 Dear Jenn – Research consistently reveals that a man who threatens suicide as a control tactic should be considered as potentially homicidal. Therefore it’s vital that the issue with your friend’s husband be taken extremely seriously. It is important that you and your friend's family help your friend find support from professionals trained in family violence. However, some professionals minimise the danger to victims when their partner threatens suicide. Untrained professionals – whether that’s in the mental health system, the police, social service agencies - or some domestic violence organisations too - focus on the man’s suicidal ideation and don’t realise that such a man may go on to cause her serious injury or kill her and her children. It is therefore important that women contact a family violence organisation and ask that they go through a risk assessment tool to assess whether she or other family members may be in potential lethal danger. Given the seriousness of this situation I’ve written some suggestions about how to help in a blog post titled <a href="http://www.speakoutloud.net/helping-women/homicide-suicide/" rel="nofollow">Steps toward Averting Tragedy</a>. It may even be possible that your friend’s own counsellor does not understand fully the dynamics of psychological abuse and power and control. If this is the case you could arrange for your friend’s counsellor to read this comment and my blog post in response to your comment. Well done for seeking help for your friend!! Best wishes Clare Dear Jenn – Research consistently reveals that a man who threatens suicide as a control tactic should be considered as potentially homicidal. Therefore it’s vital that the issue with your friend’s husband be taken extremely seriously. It is important that you and your friend’s family help your friend find support from professionals trained in family violence. However, some professionals minimise the danger to victims when their partner threatens suicide. Untrained professionals – whether that’s in the mental health system, the police, social service agencies – or some domestic violence organisations too – focus on the man’s suicidal ideation and don’t realise that such a man may go on to cause her serious injury or kill her and her children. It is therefore important that women contact a family violence organisation and ask that they go through a risk assessment tool to assess whether she or other family members may be in potential lethal danger. Given the seriousness of this situation I’ve written some suggestions about how to help in a blog post titled Steps toward Averting Tragedy. It may even be possible that your friend’s own counsellor does not understand fully the dynamics of psychological abuse and power and control. If this is the case you could arrange for your friend’s counsellor to read this comment and my blog post in response to your comment. Well done for seeking help for your friend!! Best wishes Clare

]]> By: Jenn http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse#comment-21 Jenn Fri, 21 Jan 2011 06:15:30 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-21 Hi, I have a friend whom I think is being psychologically abused, her husband has OCD and has used this excuse for his sickening behavior, he is very controlling, it is almost like he sees her and their children as his possessions. She is not allowed to come visit with her family without him, they only live a few hours drive away, he makes her feel guilty all of the time, he makes her feel dumb, he has threatened to kill himself if she doesn't do things his way. His OCD issues make him scared to be alone. Her therapist suggested she just pack up the kids and go to her parents for the weekend, tell him she loves him and she would see him on Sunday. So today she decided to give it a try, and got a ride to her parents with her friend. When she called him at work to tell him of her intentions, he left work drove on the highway behind them called her on her cellphone and told her to pull over and come home with him or he would kill himself. She did go back home with him because she was afraid he would harm himself. She is miserable and neither I nor her family know what to do to help her, do you have any suggestions? Hi, I have a friend whom I think is being psychologically abused, her husband has OCD and has used this excuse for his sickening behavior, he is very controlling, it is almost like he sees her and their children as his possessions. She is not allowed to come visit with her family without him, they only live a few hours drive away, he makes her feel guilty all of the time, he makes her feel dumb, he has threatened to kill himself if she doesn’t do things his way. His OCD issues make him scared to be alone. Her therapist suggested she just pack up the kids and go to her parents for the weekend, tell him she loves him and she would see him on Sunday. So today she decided to give it a try, and got a ride to her parents with her friend. When she called him at work to tell him of her intentions, he left work drove on the highway behind them called her on her cellphone and told her to pull over and come home with him or he would kill himself. She did go back home with him because she was afraid he would harm himself. She is miserable and neither I nor her family know what to do to help her, do you have any suggestions?

]]> By: Jennifer Faria http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse#comment-20 Jennifer Faria Sun, 07 Nov 2010 17:10:07 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-20 Thank you for having the courage to print this article. I am doing a research paper for my college English class on domestic violence. It is my belief that people need to know the facts about domestic violence. Thank you for having the courage to print this article. I am doing a research paper for my college English class on domestic violence. It is my belief that people need to know the facts about domestic violence.

]]> By: Clare http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse#comment-19 Clare Tue, 13 Apr 2010 11:26:11 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-19 Hello Katy, Congratulations on having your experience of psychological abuse BELIEVED. Unfortunately that does not stop many men from continuing to maintain power and control. Many men continue to use children as ammunition to get at their ex-female partner because they believe they are entitled to the role of boss, king of the castle, head of the house, head of the family. Many men refuse to relinquish this social status - a status that is reinforced by many people at all levels of society. It is important to include in a restraining agreement EVERY KIND OF CONTROLLING TACTIC that he is using (and maybe has used) so that this gives a basis for laying a complaint to the police. May you go well . . . Clare Hello Katy, Congratulations on having your experience of psychological abuse BELIEVED. Unfortunately that does not stop many men from continuing to maintain power and control. Many men continue to use children as ammunition to get at their ex-female partner because they believe they are entitled to the role of boss, king of the castle, head of the house, head of the family. Many men refuse to relinquish this social status – a status that is reinforced by many people at all levels of society. It is important to include in a restraining agreement EVERY KIND OF CONTROLLING TACTIC that he is using (and maybe has used) so that this gives a basis for laying a complaint to the police. May you go well . . . Clare

]]> By: Clare http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse#comment-18 Clare Tue, 13 Apr 2010 11:18:03 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-18 Check out the blog I wrote that discusses the difference between using language to describe the effects and impact of psychological abuse and control versus the language to describe women’s multiple strategies of resisting abuse and control. Check the blog post titled “Language women should use in the Family Court”. . . Clare Check out the blog I wrote that discusses the difference between using language to describe the effects and impact of psychological abuse and control versus the language to describe women’s multiple strategies of resisting abuse and control. Check the blog post titled “Language women should use in the Family Court”. . . Clare

]]> By: katy http://speakoutloud.net/abusive-relationships/violence-psychological-abuse#comment-17 katy Mon, 12 Apr 2010 16:45:26 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-17 The courts granted me full residential custody of my son. He has a 10 yard restraining agreement preventing him from approaching me, and strict contact restrictions regarding our 8yr old son ... the courts BELIEVED ME. So why does he continue to psychologically abuse me, using our son as a commodity ... making our son feel bad inside and twisting and turning all I say, making me out to be a bad mummy? How can I make it STOP? The courts granted me full residential custody of my son. He has a 10 yard restraining agreement preventing him from approaching me, and strict contact restrictions regarding our 8yr old son … the courts BELIEVED ME. So why does he continue to psychologically abuse me, using our son as a commodity … making our son feel bad inside and twisting and turning all I say, making me out to be a bad mummy? How can I make it STOP?

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