Comments on: Shame experienced by abuse victims http://speakoutloud.net/fear-and-shame/shame-experienced-by-abuse-victims See the power and control, free your mind, open your heart, live fully Tue, 15 May 2012 10:26:13 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Helen http://speakoutloud.net/fear-and-shame/shame-experienced-by-abuse-victims#comment-77 Helen Mon, 07 Sep 2009 07:43:31 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=719#comment-77 I know many people are tired of the need to be 'politically correct' and we may all have some 'burn out' from this. I know I feel like this sometimes. But even this article uses language that is value laden. "Women who were able to remove themselves from the experience of abuse and maintain lives free from violence" is a scary statement for those who grew up in abusive families, because abuse doesn't end with childhood. So we may leave abusive partners, or stay with a partner who is actively seeking to be peaceful, but still have abuse in our lives, because of abusive family members. My experience is this- I grew up in a violent family. My partner and I got education about DV, made changes, struggled with everyday life free of inadvertantly using 'power and control' ourselves. I've learned what abuse is, how to recognise it, how to deal with it. However, I'm left with not only shame, but isolation, as I have been forced to cut ties with family members still following old patterns of behaviour that are abusive. I'm seen as the person with the problem, because I object to being treated in line with these 'old patterns' I am 'shamed' inside my family of origin and the extended family. I have been blamed for breaking up a relationship and told I'm disgracing the family. And then there's the mental illness diagnosis, that lists axis I II III IV etc and includes the abuse I suffered as a child and an adult as a symptom of 'illness' and then immediately assigns the term 'borderline tendencies' because that is the label used to illustrate the effects of childhood abuse. My struggle to keep safe boundaries, and the fact that I've chosen to separate from my family is used to label me with a pejorative psychiatric term - the one most dreaded by all. Indeed even the fact that I don't see my family is recorded as part of my diagnosis. So when we consider women living with an abusive partner, we could remember that the most dangerous time in an abusive realtionship is when it ends. More women are hurt by ex-partners than those they stay with. We could imagine that many women are isolated, because that's what an abusive relationship does, so may only have family to call upon. If family are abusive, it may be worse for her to seek support from them than to stay with her partner, or to live without support. Indeed, it may be finacially impossible to be 'independent' as moving with children costs an enormous amount of energy, money and needs people to help physically move them. At present, social institutions such as psychiatry using labeling that reinforces shame, failure to recognise ongoing issues with an abusive family situation, and ignorance about the reality of living with the aftermath of extreme violence all contribute to my shame, and to my struggle to overercome it. I know many people are tired of the need to be ‘politically correct’ and we may all have some ‘burn out’ from this. I know I feel like this sometimes. But even this article uses language that is value laden. “Women who were able to remove themselves from the experience of abuse and maintain lives free from violence” is a scary statement for those who grew up in abusive families, because abuse doesn’t end with childhood. So we may leave abusive partners, or stay with a partner who is actively seeking to be peaceful, but still have abuse in our lives, because of abusive family members.

My experience is this- I grew up in a violent family. My partner and I got education about DV, made changes, struggled with everyday life free of inadvertantly using ‘power and control’ ourselves. I’ve learned what abuse is, how to recognise it, how to deal with it. However, I’m left with not only shame, but isolation, as I have been forced to cut ties with family members still following old patterns of behaviour that are abusive.

I’m seen as the person with the problem, because I object to being treated in line with these ‘old patterns’ I am ‘shamed’ inside my family of origin and the extended family. I have been blamed for breaking up a relationship and told I’m disgracing the family.

And then there’s the mental illness diagnosis, that lists axis I II III IV etc and includes the abuse I suffered as a child and an adult as a symptom of ‘illness’ and then immediately assigns the term ‘borderline tendencies’ because that is the label used to illustrate the effects of childhood abuse. My struggle to keep safe boundaries, and the fact that I’ve chosen to separate from my family is used to label me with a pejorative psychiatric term – the one most dreaded by all. Indeed even the fact that I don’t see my family is recorded as part of my diagnosis.

So when we consider women living with an abusive partner, we could remember that the most dangerous time in an abusive realtionship is when it ends. More women are hurt by ex-partners than those they stay with. We could imagine that many women are isolated, because that’s what an abusive relationship does, so may only have family to call upon. If family are abusive, it may be worse for her to seek support from them than to stay with her partner, or to live without support. Indeed, it may be finacially impossible to be ‘independent’ as moving with children costs an enormous amount of energy, money and needs people to help physically move them.

At present, social institutions such as psychiatry using labeling that reinforces shame, failure to recognise ongoing issues with an abusive family situation, and ignorance about the reality of living with the aftermath of extreme violence all contribute to my shame, and to my struggle to overercome it.

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