Comments on: How to help women abused and controlled by male partners: Stage 1

By: mamello phiri

mamello phiri — Sat, 28 Apr 2012 23:37:34 +0000

I am twenty four years of age and have a five year old kid with the father and I am suffering from an abused relationship. I have been quiet for a long time and I don’t want to see myself die and leave my kid and family. I really want help desperately because the police didn’t help at all.

By: Steph

Steph — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 18:27:51 +0000

It is not that simple especially when children are involved.

If a woman wants to get out but can’t work and is paralized by the thought of her nasty husband spending even one second of visitation alone with her angels she is stuck. When she knows the court will allow him to visit her kids alone even when he drinks and would watch R rated movies in front of them and such she can’t let that happen.

It is a nightmare when she has to watch him text all night knowing it is other women he is texting. But there is no way out.

By: Monica in Dallas

Monica in Dallas — Sat, 12 Jun 2010 06:17:58 +0000

Hello, I am sorry to hear about Joann’s daughter — I do wish peace for her and for you (Joann) her mother.

I am glad to have found “How to help women abused and controlled by male partners” by Clare Murphy.

I am attempting to reach out for help for myself at this time. I am in a current state of hopelessness — I’ve become A PET HUMAN for my abuser. The abuse has been a progressive painful ongoing experience — the worst beginning over a year ago. My being isolated now completely for months is more than I can bear.

I am a mother of three sweet beautiful children whom – my abuser – has managed to limit my time with to almost nothing… I CAN NOT TAKE IT !!!! I MISS MY BABIES!!! I miss my family. I miss driving my car. I miss working. I miss going to the store. I miss feeling human. I am a mess… A BIG MESS and I am lost with how or where or what to do to help myself. Everything I ever loved has been taken from me… I am lucky today to have my laptop…. so it is a good day.. .. HA HA!! days go by he holds the phone, the money, the keys, hid my car keys and title; takes my glasses (broke my nice pair) ; takes my medicine sometimes and hides it — I am narcoleptic — w/o my medicine I will fall into a deep sleep for days —- hardly brings groceries into house… so i have to count on him bringing me food…. even takes such things as razors, tweezers, tp, make up, cut cords to television, and so on and so on… . . . I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO…… I NEED HELP I AM SLIPPING AWAY … I NEED TO BE WITH MY CHILDREN; I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS GUY; the abuse has also become very physical… this past month the back of my head busted and welted from being thrown backwards on the cement. My right side temple was bulged and I could hardly open my mouth; ———– he is getting up… I have to get out of this site

By: Clare

Clare — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:50:16 +0000

Hello Joann . . . This situation must be extremely distressing for you and your daughter.
I recommend that you seek local support about how you might be able to approach this situation so your daughter is not put at risk . . . Types of support to seek are women’s advocates at your local women’s shelter and domestic violence programmes, and ask around for a lawyer who understands psychological abuse and one-sided power and control. Ask the police for advice. Some police jurisdictions have domestic violence liaison officers you can speak to. If you go to the “LINKS” tab on the menu above you should find contacts for some of these places in your country.
Your daughter sounds isolated and afraid of her husband. Unfortunately, the control the man has over the woman often means that even if you could find social or legal support to try to get your daughter out of the situation, she may not feel it is safe or right for her to do so.
Alternatively, you could look for support and information services in the town where your daughter lives, so that she might be able to meet informed professionals and women in similar situations and have her experience validated e.g. by attending a programme for women in domestic violence situations. Or you could locate a counsellor in her town – who needs to be trained in psychological abuse and power and control – for your daughter to hear an informed perspective and be supported.
Many controlling men prevent their partners from seeking such support. From what you say, it is likely that, if your daughter did want to seek such support, she might have to find a way to do that without her husband’s knowledge. Very best wishes to you. Clare

By: Joann Regan

Joann Regan — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 07:34:42 +0000

My daughter is married to a controlling man. She was living in my house when she met him. He lied and said he had nowhere to go (she met him at college) She called me up. I was against this, because the last time I let my daughter have a roommate, she said the boyfriend was punching and abusing her. Her room is in back of the house and we could not hear it.

My daughter is 34. The man she moved in with married her and moved her fifty (50) miles away from me and her friends. The only family she has in this tiny village is her aunt (who when she last seen was very close to my daughter’s husband).

Now my daughter is married, and I know that this man is controlling. She is on disability and he is a Computer Specialist. He tells her he does not have any money to pay the oil bill, so she has to pay the oil bill from her disability check. She has MS and I think that she is “settling” on any man. Her husband constantly lets her know it. My daughter has to pay for her own specialist fee when she sees a doctor. He tells her “Who would love you if I didn’t?” My daughter is very beautiful.

My daughter and I talk on the phone, but I have to promise that I did not talk to her. I am not allowed to call their house. When I do call because I must speak to my daughter he will answer the phone and 25 minutes later my daughter calls me whispering “I’ll call you on Thursday”. Today is Tuesday. She tells me to “leave it alone”. I can’t sit by and see my one and only daughter being treated so cruelly. Please help m,e or if you cannot, please direct me to someone to who can.