Having just left a highly abusive relationship where the psychological abuse was horrendous but extremely covert and insidious (now I know what “gaslighting” is…), it’s very unhelpful for all of us to hear institutional words that somehow belittle us as women who are not capable of taking care of ourselves and/or who are weak and ineffectual.

Abuse can be so insidious that many psychologically and emotionally abused women have no idea what is going on and they need help to recognize those patterns. Sometimes, it takes time on the part of the woman to “see” what is going on.

I know one of the ways that my partner would abuse me is that he would do things and say things and then immediately say that he was “joking” in order to deflect attention from the abusive behavior. Once though, the “joking” behavior was actually physically choking me.

I know for myself that I will never go back to my abusive partner, because it took me one year to realize that going back to him means destruction for me.

Thank you for this article. Abused women fighting for their survival and sanity are not doormats, in fact we are heroes.

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/23/my-little-rant-co-dependence-and-co-narcissism-0

I am linking to you!

Thank you for this wonderfully articulate and necessary article. As a professional in the field of mental health and as a woman struggling with the recovery and healing process due to being in a psychologically abusive relationship, I fully identify with your argument against labeling women in psychologically abusive relationships as “codependent.” One time, while in therapy with my ex, the therapist suggested that I read the book “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Taking Care of Yourself.” Although, it was interesting, it was basically unhelpful in helping me understand or recover from the aftermath of a psychologically abusive relationship. I have never had difficulty identifying my emotions, as evidenced by millions of statements to my ex, friends, and family, such as “I am so confused; I feel so powerless; I feel insulted and invisible.” No, no problem there. The only thing that I was not able to identify, especially in the beginning stages of the relationship, was why I was feeling the way I was feeling. The abuse was so insidious that I could never put my finger on the illusive and ambient hostility that lurked just beneath the surface of every interaction with my ex.

The only decision that I had difficulty in making was leaving vs. staying, which has many psychological, behavioral, and even neurological explanations; nothing to do with codependency.

Because I do believe I am lovable and worthwhile, I consistently asserted myself in asking for decent treatment, respect, and equality. In fact, my ex once stated while we were in therapy, that one of the things that attracted him to me was that “she doesn’t put up with anyone’s shit.”

“Codependent” seems to be a contagious “go-to” term for women nowadays, as if it is the operational definition of the female’s dysfunction in relationships. Therapists throw the term around way too casually, often losing sight of what other explanations there may be, especially if the client is unaware of the abusive tactics that her partner is using.

Again, thank you for discussing such misinformed and pivotal topic! I hope that the basis of your article is far-reaching enough to make a difference.

You have wonderfully captured what I have been instinctively trying to communicate to other women for years! Thank you for sharing this important point of view.

I remember, when I was a reporter in Alaska, my news director once asked me to write a story about “Why women stay with abusive men.” I was furious that he expected me to ask such a stupid question. Everyone in the newsroom tried to give him a few of the more obvious possibilities: economic necessity, love, children, fear of violent reprisals, etc. He wasn’t buying any of it. He just couldn’t understand why a rational person wouldn’t just leave.

I told him that I thought it was disrespectful to abused women to ask the question in that way, and I didn’t want to do the story. He said if I didn’t do it, he’d send me home for the day with a formal reprimand, and have another woman on the staff do it, someone who always followed his orders without question. At the time, I thought, oh, if I leave the story to her, she’ll just roll over and do it the way he wants, and it will even be worse. So I stayed. Today, I would have stood my ground and gone home, and understood that I was not responsible for the consequences – he was.

I’m sure you can see the irony of my boss abusing power and control to get me to do the story.

When I interviewed a couple of people from a local shelter for abused women, and I asked the dreaded question that my news director insisted I should ask, one of them said, and I paraphrase, “It’s a common question, but I think we people need to realize that we’re asking the wrong question. We should not be asking why women stay with abusive men. We should ask why these men are abusing women.” The person who said this was a man, by the way. I included his comment in my story, and luckily my news director saw reason and let me keep it. I hope he learned something.

I’ve never forgotten those words. “We’re asking the wrong question.”

I’ve always been an educated, outspoken, assertive, independent woman with strong self-esteem. I have even done a lot of solo travel in foreign countries. But all this independence did not stop me from becoming a victim of abusive men as an adult woman. In fact, as you know, frequently the more assertive the woman, the worse the abuse. And I think we can’t remind people often enough of this basic statistic: it is when women try to break free and leave their abusers that they are most likely to be killed. Not just abused, but murdered. Luckily, I have never been in a situation quite that out-of-control. But I know women who have, and most of them were educated, assertive women with a strong self-image. None of them believed they deserved what was happening to them. They just wanted to figure out how to make it stop.

I told a woman once that I was worried I might be co-dependent, because I ended up in so many relationships with abusive men. She suggested I not look at it that way, and reminded me that I had never stayed in those relationships for very long. I had walked away. This was not the behavior of a co-dependent person.

I’m now married to a wonderful man, who treats me as an equal partner. We have a peaceful, respectful, loving relationship that is free of fear or humiliation. No codependency here. And I know you’re right: there never was.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom,

Cara