Comments on: Abusive vs healthy relationships: What’s the difference?

By: Alison

Alison — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 08:02:15 +0000

After 20 years of marriage I have a beautiful home, keep the peace. I’m the perfect wife, host, cook, mother and general dog’s body. On the outside everyone sees the perfect family. I’m not beaten up, but he controls where I go and what I do. I’m not an individual, I’m angry and frustrated. I want to leave and know I can support myself financially but I don’t want to disrupt my children’s lives. They have everything they need and I don’t want to get divorced again (this is my second marriage) and unsettle them. But I want a life! I don’t know who I am anymore. We have a terrible sexual relationship (he has ED), but he makes me feel like it’s my fault! I want to be loved and told that I am special.

By: lena

lena — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 12:34:56 +0000

The first thing to go was my freinds but I will admit he ditched his too. Then the way I dressed. Then there were no hugs, no kisses and no sign of affection in public or barely even behind doors. Of course we had sex but in the quiet of the bedroom. He worked everyday and he kept up with his responsibilites as far as that went and he did love me and there were times he has been awesome. 20 years later I still have no friends, no education because I was never smart enough to do anything, I was always the reason why or wrong and I still am. He took the one person from me that mattered the most other than our family my grandma so to keep the arguments down I stopped coming around and then she died but at least we kept in touch by phone. I had cancer, fixed it, then he wouldn’t get fixed so he couldn’t have kids but I had to lose such a huge part of myself and my body. I found out I had lupus and one day it went out of remission I came home crying and asked him to hug me and he told me I was getting on his nerves and that everyone died eventually. He has blamed me for everything that has been wrong in his life from job losses to jail. I love him with all of my heart but I have given up so much of myself and now I am ready to find myself and reclaim myself again. I want to believe in me but for some reason I can’t get back to that place. Just because he worked and I didn’t the whole time doesn’t mean I am any less but to him it seems that way. It is hard and I hope I can find myself and go back to school and reclaim me and begin to be the person I suppressed all of these years ago. I want me back and I think once that happens he holds no more power over me.

By: Pam

Pam — Sat, 26 Mar 2011 09:10:23 +0000

I keep giving excuses and feeling sorry for him – he is not my husband nor lives with me. So why is it so strong and me so weak. He doesn’t help me or support in any way – I am always there for him. I have read so many books and still all the answers are right but I can’t go. I want to leave and change the goalpost each time because something comes up or I test him again, if he does this I will leave but sometimes he does the opposite to what I think will happen. It’s so subtle I can’t explain it. He has a hold but what it is I don’t know.

By: neats

neats — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 22:34:03 +0000

This is incredible stuff to read. I have just separated after a 23 year marriage of one sided power and abuse. My husband wanted to control me and then my son, but not my daughter, well not yet. He controlled what I did, where I went, the mood in the house, whether we did something as a family or not. Then I would get the tears, the promises to change and I believed him and trusted him. I was a fool, when he said he was sorry there was always a BUT, it was always because of someone or something. He has never changed, never admitted he has issues and it has got worse instead of better. It has only been a week and I still feel strange. I do not feel immediate relief as I thought I would, I don’t know how to be me without him – at age 41 that is so sad. I feel vulnerable and scared and unsure of the future. Everyone has supported me and just wondered why it has taken me so long – but as you have describe, as a victim, you think it is you and you do everything to make it right. Sadly the perpetrator just gets stronger. I am hoping for a future of peace and quiet and freedom.