Many women feel like failures because they have not stopped the man they love from psychologically abusing and controlling them
Most women who attend counselling – to come to terms with their partner’s psychologically abusive and controlling behaviours – often beat up on themselves saying: “I let it happen” and “I feel like I’ve failed”.
Women talk about the effects and impact of abuse and control
Women describe feeling emotionally beaten down, shame, guilt, anger, sadness, depression, lack of confidence, insecure, discouraged, defeated, desperate, fearful, anxious and full of dread. They talk about being codependent, having self-doubt, a low belief in their abilities, confused, a feeling of going insane and an inability to concentrate. This brief list can lead Family Court Judges, lawyers, psychologists and other supporters of female victims to interpret the effects and impacts of abuse as equivalent to passivity, incompetence, and poor mental health. So what can women and their supporters do to combat this social problem?
It is necessary to uncover ways women actively resist abuse
Women continually use multiple strategies to resist being controlled and psychologically abused by male partners.
Women seek advice and help from others, they strategically subordinate or silence themselves, purposefully choose not to state their beliefs and opinions, consciously choose when to stay quiet and when to assert themselves – all to avoid further abuse.
If a man who persistently attempts to control his partner pressures her not to work, and she defies this by going to work, regardless of abusive repercussions, this act of resistance shows that the woman does not “let abuse happen”.
Women may do things to please their partner that they might not ordinarily do, they may ignore his behaviour, or they may cry as a way of showing they refuse to be content with being verbally abused and emotionally manipulated. Yet other women refuse to cry with the aim of not giving the abusive man the pleasure.
These acts of resistance prove women do not have low self-esteem, rather women resist abuse because they do esteem themselves. Women who defiantly talk to a male colleague at a party, despite their partner badgering them to stay away from all men, and women who refuse to obey their partner’s rigid rule that dinner should be on the table at 5 o’clock sharp every night, are refusing to be dictated to. These acts of resistance do not entail letting abuse happen. The abuse happens because, the man who is hell bent on controlling his partner, is violating her needs and boundaries.
Many women resist being controlled by lying about where they’re going, by sneaking out, by not telling their husband where they are going, or who they are having coffee with. These are acts aimed at preserving autonomy, independence and freedom.
Canadian Family Therapist, Dr Allan Wade, along with his colleagues, have researched and written some splendid articles that give an empowering spin to the language women use to describe the impact of being abused . . .
“Despair” is usually considered to be a negative effect of abuse. However, Wade and colleagues suggest that “despair” actually suggests that the victim of abuse is hoping for, or calling for, change.
“Sleeplessness” is generally labelled the problem to be solved. However, lying awake at night worrying about the crazy-making mind-games her partner is playing, is actually a strategy of resistance. In other words this kind of “wakefulness” is refusing to be content with being emotionally abused and controlled.
Using the “language of resistance” in the Family Court
When women write affidavits aimed at helping them win custody of their children, it is common to write the negative effects, or impacts, resulting from the man’s psychologically abusive and controlling behaviours. However, Allan Wade and his colleagues’s research shows that, by women saying they have low-self esteem, depression, anxiety, stress, etc., this language can feed into stereotypes that women victims of abuse are not capable of resisting abuse, or of maintaining custody of their children.
Allan Wade PhD, and his colleagues, strongly suggest that women and their supporters include information in written court documents about all the ways the woman has resisted, and continues to resist, each and every form of abuse by their partner. Rather than asking the woman how the abuse impacted, or effected her, instead ask how she responded when her partner did xyz. Ask her what she did when he said, or did, xyz. The woman’s answers to this will represent her as active and competent.
How women resist abuse depends on the context
Women do not use the same strategy of resistance in response to abuse and control every time. Rather women decide which situation best suits which kind of resistance – always with the aim of keeping herself safe and sane, and with the aim of reducing or stopping the abuse and control.
Any small act of resistance is a sign of success
Just because a woman has not been able to stop the man’s abusive and controlling behaviours does not mean she has “let the abuse happen”. The fact that she has engaged in hours, months and years of subtle, and not-so-subtle, strategies of resistance, means she has successfully mustered up chunks of control over her own life – no matter how tiny that sense of control may feel. It means she has succeeded at not allowing her partner to have 100% control over her decisions, her actions, her secret thoughts, hopes and dreams. It means she has grabbed some form of self-preservation that she has refused to allow him to steal from her. What women do to resist abuse is a sign that they are capable of maintaining custody of their children.
References:
- Campbell, Jacquelyn C., Rose, Linda E., Kub, Joan, & Nedd, Daphne. (1998). Voices of strength and resistance: A contextual and longitudinal analysis of women’s responses to battering. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 13, 743-762.
- Coates, Linda, & Ridley, Penny. (2009). Representing victims of sexualized assault. In E. Faulkner & G. MacDonald (Eds.), Victim no more: Women’s resistance to law, culture and power. Halifax & Winnipeg: Fernwood Publishing.
- Coates, Linda, & Wade, Allan. (2004). Telling it like it isn’t: Obscuring perpetrator responsibility for violent crime. Discourse & Society, 15, 499-526.
- Coates, Linda, & Wade, Allan. (2007). Language and violence: Analysis of four discursive operations. Journal of Family Violence, 22, 511-522.
- Renoux, Martine, & Wade, Allan. (2008). Resistance to violence: A key symptom of chronic mental wellness. Context, June, 2-4.
- Todd, Nick, Wade, Allan, & Renoux, Martine. (2007). Coming to terms with violence and resistance. Retrieved 25 March, 2010, from http://www.yaletownfamilytherapy.com/tcpapers/allanwade02.pdf
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I have had a significant amount of experience writing and teaching community members about domestic violence and continually encounter a difficulty getting people to understand the dynamics and impact of psychological abuse. One way I am dealing with that is giving out a book of poetry I wrote on psychological abuse. It is available free (I have a grant) on my website. You can get to my website by clicking on my name above. If you’d like a hard copy you can contact me through my website.
Men who threaten to take away the kids are engaging in post separation violence. It is common for batterers to threaten to take children away from the battered woman by proving her to be an unfit mother. For this reason, some lawyers advise women not to tell courts or mediators about child abuse or domestic abuse because, by doing so, they risk losing custody to the alleged abuser!
I would love to hear from other women that have or are going through hell in relation to their ex and the fact that the court system in this country is not good. I have had my children taken from me through my ex and am getting beyond desperate. Some of you may call me if you feel the need. My name is Lisa +44-1568 611483
Lisa, my kids were taken from me ten years ago. They have finally, in the past month, turned 18 and have moved back with me. They were telling me they won’t be talking to their father anymore, and refuse to have any further relationship with him. I know very well the hell you are going through. When it happened to me in 2001 I thought I was totally alone, and that this didn’t happen to anyone but me.
Please give me your email. I don’t have international calling. My email is peacebabies [at] yahoo.com. Anyone else who wants to talk about custody is welcome to email me as well.
I have completed all of my classes to become a paralegal. I am about to start my internship. I want to become an attorney. I want to fight this. I want to bring attention to this problem in my small town. I don’t have custody of my children. My ex husband’s parents are wealthy. My ex husband has a top secret clearance. I am scared but I feel God calling me to do this. I feel like my ex husband is powerful and I am a strong woman but I don’t know where to begin. I can’t talk to anyone because he always finds out. My ex husband is highly intelligent and finds better ways to manipulate things as we go along. I start to reveal him in new ways and he just learns a new trick. What do I do? If I stand up and fight I could lose the small amount of visitation I have. I actually feel as though my mind is going to shatter from the pain yet I have made it this far. Who can I trust? Do I trust? I feel mute from the agony. There are times that I am in conversation with people and I cannot respond to them. My mouth just shuts because I have no answer to their whys. I don’t know why. I can’t explain how I could look and seem normal and not have my kids. Does it seem to anyone else out there that mothers who have lost their children are treated like they belong with the lowest of human life? Like we are the abusers, like we are infected, judged so harshly by anyone who knows, doors closed at the mention of your name… and all the while I am trying to pick myself back up he still abuses me through texts and phone calls and now his wife is joining him. The insults and endless fighting in text messages between us not only takes up my time but my mental strength. My children are starting to feel the effects of all of this. Does anyone know anything at all that could help me?
Dear muted by agony.
Please keep up your courage. I am not in a similar situation, however I am being emotionally tormented by a husband of 31 years, who has a son who sexually abused my daughter over ten years.
My husband will not discuss it with me and expects me to “forget about it because it happened twenty years ago”.
The family dynamics you talk about are always there for me as well because I feel my daughter has no rights nor do I.
I think you have to keep believing in yourself by getting help from a women’s group who know about abuse you will find support.
I have gained personal strength by reading about abusive men and how they keep control over you even if you have or have lost custody or left.
I am in the process of leaving I am 67 years old and have had many long sleepless nights wondering why.
I hope you keep looking at your own worth and keep strong because there could come a time that it will help you.
I would keep a copy of his text messages and any from his wife especially if there is a pattern of abuse and you keep your responses very objective.
I think he is still controlling you just as he did when you were together and this is a deliberate ploy to weaken you.
Please keep reading about these type of ploys.
The woman I see has warned me about this controlling even after I leave because there will be tactics to keep me in his loop of control. He has threatened to sue for money because we had payouts and he had more so he wants that money back when we sell the house.
She said that if this dispute goes to court it take years to resolve. She said it is his way of keeping his control over me.
So I hope you see this as a total lack of empathy on your ex’s part and he’s out to totally suck up your emotional strength so you do not see the obvious he is out to destroy your mind. I wonder what will happen if you decide to ignore his text messages and only operate on the level of having contact with your children when you can and start separating yourself from powerful controlling ways by ignoring him and his little helper the wife. And I think some day his wife will find herself in your shoes because she has not woken up to the fact that he is the problem not you.
I wish luck and sanity on the side of the hell you have gone through.
Please keep researching how these men manage to play such mind games.
Marie xxx
Muted by agony…I want to become an advocate as well … I feel drained … the endless txts … I have to turn my phone off sometimes … I haven’t lost her yet but I might next month … me against him and his holier than thou family … the fact that I have another daughter who is nearly 18 and both girls are healthy, happy and loved by everyone who meets them won’t matter … the fact that they are my reason for living won’t matter … I’m so afraid they won’t be the happy children they are today, if I get to the point where I can’t stand upright anymore and be positive for them … because they love me as much as I love them … I just need to make it happen … never give up.
Dear hurting ones. I did not lose my child to the abuser, but I know of women who have. There is a group called the Protective Mothers Alliance, they can provide support if nothing else. You can find them on the web.
The sheer fact that almost every comment on this post is from a survivor of domestic abuse is illustrative of how many of us are out there, and how much we yearn for empathy and kindness from others who GET IT.
If any of you are Christians dealing with domestic abuse, you may find some useful stuff on my website and also my blog and Facebook page.
I am so glad that I have come across this website. I thought that I was the only one in this whole world going through my own personal hell. I am the mother of 4 children who were taken from me by my ex husband through an emergency ex parts order after I left him and rented a home. While I drove 3 hours to go pick up the kids from his house I was served with this order and all hell has broke out since. He has lied in court documents..destroyed my credit..and continues to reek havac because I wanted a divorce. I’m paying 1202 dollars a month in child support..bringing home 255 dollars now every two weeks. I can’t afford an attorney and legal aide says I make too much money. I have no visitation and every court motion costs 150. I am so discouraged..desperate and taunted with contempt of court if my payments of support are not made. I wish I had someone to be my voice.. Every day my children suffer thinking I left them and don’t love them. I’m praying for help and asking God to help me before too much damage is done. My email is mlmmccrackin [at] yahoo.com if you have any suggestions. I live in SC.