You’re dating or living with this good looking guy, maybe he’s charming and you feel wanted . . . but things he says or does make you feel bad about yourself – and you can’t really figure out why. You likely question yourself asking whether it’s something about you – because he doesn’t seem to think it’s about him . . . Somehow whatever negative things happen between you, you’re left feeling that it’s you with the problem.
Perhaps you got into the relationship quickly, maybe had sex much sooner than you wanted. Maybe you didn’t develop a friendship before suddenly spending most of your time with him and hardly, if ever, seeing your friends or family any more. Your life may have narrowed so that you’re no longer pursuing your own interests – life may seem to be all about being with him . . . waiting on him . . . thinking about him. If he seems jealous or possessive maybe you find that enticing because it makes you feel wanted and special.
Have you started changing?
Have you started changing for him, to keep him, to make him happy, to prove you’re lovable? If your old friends were flies on the wall, what might they notice that is different about you? Will they notice you’ve changed your appearance? That you’ve become secretive, dull, lost your sense of aliveness?
Has your mind started to go crazy after arguments – as if anything you thought was logical before meeting this man now seems confusing?
Have you started to feel guilty about all sorts of things? Yet deep down you know you have not done anything wrong. But then instead of admitting to yourself that you feel uncertain or unsafe, you start hiding things you do so you can feel the freedom you had before the relationship.
Or do you find yourself lying to him – yet that’s not something you usually do? But if you slow your thought processes down and explore your intuition, you may discover that you started lying because he has a way about him that makes you feel uneasy. Perhaps you started lying to yourself because he’s so sensitive you don’t want to hurt him – yet if you were honest with yourself, is something going on whereby it is you who is feeling hurt?
Do you think you’re not good enough?
If you ever had beliefs before that you weren’t good enough, something wrong with you, or you were stupid or ugly – have those thoughts become worse since being with this new man? If they got worse it’s highly likely you started changing yourself to seek his approval and to prove to him that you were good enough, that you are capable and good looking enough. But all your efforts are not working . . . is that true?
Can you answer ‘yes’ to these questions?
- I trust this man 100%
- He respects me totally without a doubt
- He’s always honest and I feel completely safe to be honest with him
- He definitely respects my privacy
- I feel totally free to be myself round him anywhere anytime
- I adamantly feel safe with him – always
Be honest with yourself
If you answered ‘no’ to these questions – it is very probable you are with a man that is engaged in a slow process of gaining more and more emotional control over you and your life. To check how real this may be I urge you to download this list of tactics that some men use to control their female partner. Go through and check if he is using any of these behaviours.
Just in case he is controlling you . . . it may not be safe to show him the list. If he is using ongoing emotional abuse, then it may be supportive for you to take the list – and discuss what’s happening to you – to a trusted friend or family member (possibly someone he has said he does not like or does not want you to see), or a counsellor. Or contact a local domestic violence agency as they are trained in helping women make sense of subtle emotional abuse and control.
Trust your gut instincts
Some aims of checking this list and seeking support outside the relationship are to empower yourself so that you have greater choice over your life and all your current and future relationships. Another aim is to do what it takes to care for yourself, and to trust your gut instincts about what’s really going on with you and your partner.
Ultimately relationships have to feel safe
Markers of a healthy relationship – whether that’s a dating partner, someone you live with, a workmate, a school friend – are when you can say to yourself, “Yes this person is honest, trustworthy, respectful, honours my privacy, is safe to be around and I feel totally free to be myself”.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
This is the most succinct advice I have ever read. If only I’d seen this before I got entangled with an abusive man.
Safe and almost back to being a “real” human being again.
This website is a wonderful place for women in controlling relationships.
Thanks Clare.
Men who threaten to take away the kids are engaging in post separation violence. It is common for batterers to threaten to take children away from the battered woman by proving her to be an unfit mother. For this reason, some lawyers advise women not to tell courts or mediators about child abuse or domestic abuse because, by doing so, they risk losing custody to the alleged abuser!
I have spent the past year being verbally and psychologically abused. I thought for months, and still do sometimes, that it was my fault. I should have not told him this, I should have avoided that sentence, I could have just shut up, I should have understood his jokes….Silvia, show me your fat, oh your fat is always there, oh silvia the chubby, oh silvia you are paranoid, oh silvia you don’t have a sense of humour, oh come on you always play the victim, oh come on your projects are bullshit, oh silvia do you really believe in all the shit you say all the time? oh silvia you know that that guy has been here for the whole time we were having sex, cool isn’t it? you are so banal! oh silvia you are so superficial, I thought me and you were one thing but apparently there are many other people in between….you are so superficial because you tell everybody our problems instead of talking only to me….you are nothing without me, you disgust me because you depend on me, without me you are lost, oh that job…why did you take it? I can give you food….no I don’t feel like coming to your friends’, I have other things to do……
You know, I realised only now, reading sources and papers, that I’ve been abused for months. I lost my self esteem, I always think I’m stupid, I even forget stuff, I cannot focus on my work and my study, and I keep thinking I don’t deserve love because I’m worthless.
I think everybody should read this http://speakoutloud.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Tactics-Murphy-2010.pdf
It is really interesting. Many things I thought were alright actually they are not. Sometimes you don’t realise what is right and what is wrong. In an abusive relationship you feel like what happens is ok, and it’s you the one who is making a big fuss about it.
I realised I’m scared of saying my opinion now, and I don’t trust people who are nice to me!!!! Everything I say sort of triggers the thought of what HE would say in response. Of course something like “it’s all bullshit! do you think when you talk?”
No women, no men, no one should feel this way. never.
Silvia, thank you for sharing your story. It’s as if you told my story too. It is so exhausting there are days when I almost don’t want to live anymore. It’s nice to know that it’s not me and I’m not alone or crazy.
Dear Dr Clare
Your 16 point list is soooooo important for victims of abuse because it helps clear up a lot of this confusion. I have just come out of an 11 year abusive relationship and am working on anger and revenge issues after several suicide attempts. The reason I got sucked in is because I couldn’t clarify what was actually going on even though it felt horrible. Thank you for the clarifications, if only I had access to this kind of info all these years ago. Please go to the link (in Clare’s post above which is also repeated in Silvia’s comment) on strategies men use to emotionally abuse women – it may save you years of pain and torture. The unprincipled narcissist who tormented me has not changed and generally they don’t. They usually search for more ludicrous ways to destroy you or pick up a new victim. On the positive side, once people are convinced that your abuser has gone for good you will be shocked at how supportive and friendly people become and all those old friends will come back so don’t give up. It is hard but you have to know that you will be happy and loved again.
Hi there again,
It is December now, another month passed and I feel GOOD.
My ex boyfriend kept abusing me even after moving to another house and saying we were not together anymore.
He left but he kept behaving as if we were still together, of course only when HE wanted me. But if it was me asking to meet and talk, oh my god, I was suffocating him. He kept making me feel like it was my fault if the relationship ended. But all of a sudden I thought, ‘why would I want someone like that?’ Also, ‘what if it is not MY problem but HIS?’ Furthermore, ‘why does he think to have the right to make me feel shit? no way!’
A few days ago we met and as he started abusing me again I laughed so much, but so so so much that he got annoyed! and I said, ‘you know what my dear? the point is that I really love you while you never loved me, you just wanted someone to project all your anxieties to… You should look after the person you love, you should appreciate what she does and the way she is. That’s love. And yours is not love. I don’t want to see you anymore.’
He got so shocked at first, then angry, he said he would delete my phone number. ‘YES YES DO IT.’ He never did, he texted me over and over again saying I was ridiculous….and why? because I said I don’t wanna see him anymore!
I can’t stop laughin’.
I cannot believe it that I let him do this to me. Everyone is special and everyone is amazing, and everyone should be with someone that sees that!
I don’t have anyone now, I’m happy as I am. Many friends are filling my life again and I started reading and drawing again.
I wish you all such happiness!
I feel so good now.
I’ve just finished reading all the comments and I sat here and burst into tears knowing that I was staring at what I am going through again for the second time. It took my family and friends 6 years to get over the last abuse I coped with and for 1 year have felt soooo good till now. I thought he loved me.. he says he doe, I think he does. This is a new relationship and he was soooo good to me in the beginning but I now feel helpless and worthless I can’t sleep or eat I lay awake waiting for him to text or call or to tell me I can call now .. he used to make me feel like I was the only special person in the world I felt so wanted and loved but then he changed he didn’t want me to help my family no more or lend money no more .. Then he said he wanted to live with me and told me he wants to live in Darwin omg that is really soooo far from all my family and my son… he is supposed to love me not hurt me and make me feel like crying all the time because I’m online or not texting him or calling him .. so I gave in and gave my friends online up but kept a few hidden on facebook .. He is now searching for a new victim and has found her but how do I tell her coz he will threaten me. I know he will coz he has told me about the threats and I’ve witnessed his anger in numerous situations… Then he says why do you always question my love for you how many times have I got to tell you ..? Then I feel like he is treating me like a child. . and I’m helpless becoz love is strong .. grrrrr. I’m so mad at myself right now for thinking like this and guilty… He wants to see me Sunday night but I’m afraid
maybe I have done the wrong thing coming here I don’t know .. but I NEED to BREATHE again and stop SUFFOCATING …. I want to live again not feel like I am nothing .. I’m so depressed right now.
Thankyou for taking the time to listen to me …
I can absolutely relate to EVERYONE here (and Silvia, if you read this, leave your email as I would love to chat with you. It feels like we’re going through the same thing). And that goes for anyone else who’d like to talk this out. I am still in the “confused and hurt” stage. My ex and I have broken up numerous times, but this time it’s been 3 months – and, though I hate to admit this, I would have taken him back, even though he is emotionally unavailable and distant and yes, an abuser. There was just something about him I felt I loved and wanted. I know it sounds strange. And I absolutely hate the thought of him with someone else. And yet I caused all my own suffering. I told myself after my last relationship that I would LISTEN to my intuition but I didn’t. It should have been enough to know he’d had YEARS of failed relationships. NONE of them have worked out. All of them have been 2 maybe 3 years. That’s it. This time, I just don’t know what happened. I’d had enough and told him I was done. We had done this before, but I had (haha) hoped that since I’d shown him what a nice and honest person I was he would fight for me. He didn’t. I got a very cool and well thought out email from him 2 weeks after we broke up. I replied with my honest feelings. I got back what I thought was – I don’t know – a lot of excuses. All talk no action, as my sister would say. She would always tell me that he made little effort. I didn’t reply to his 2nd email and thought once again he might fight. WRONG. Not only did he not fight, I came across him at one of OUR favorite bars with a new girl!!!!! Oh, he called the next day and told me all sorts of things, but then – as usual, when I was hurting – he wasn’t there. It was ALL about him. I want so badly to be over him but he haunts me still. My sister thinks she’s consoling me by telling me he’ll find someone BUT he’ll never keep her. But it doesn’t make me feel any better. I worked SO hard in this relationship. I gave SO much. And now he just gets to move on? Leave all this damage he created and go his merry way? Where’s the justice in that?
Kara. …I really hope you get to read this. I feel exactly how you felt when you wrote this. I actually think it might even be the same guy. EVERYTHING you wrote is like I wrote it…including the other girl I caught him having lunch with. Hope we can chat. I do not understand why it is SO hard to let this man go; even though I know he doesn’t fight for me enough if at all. This time we have broken up for 5 days now, and it is the hardest thing for me!…He uses internet sites to meet women and I found out once. I confronted him, and all of a sudden it was me at fault. That I should trust him by now, and he can’t believe how I am and snooping around the internet. He said what he always said when he didn’t like something I said or did: “I think it’s best if we don’t date anymore”. I always came back knocking on his door. I disliked myself, and at times I still do. I have NEVER been this way. I don’t know how to forget about him. I ask God to give me courage. Hope everyone in this forum found it! heartbroken
Hi, I have been in an abusive relationship for 10 years. Even after knowing that the relationship was toxic, somehow persuaded myself that he will change, that even an abusive relationship is better than no relationship. Somehow I convinced myself that I have seen his innate goodness which is not obvious to my parents and that with patience and kindness, I shall overcome it all. I know now that all I had done has been cruel to myself and my child. It was an insult to my intelligence and breeding to have taken the shit routinely thrown at me. After every episode, every unkind remark or barb, I assured myself after “counselling” him that this was the last time and that he will somehow turn into a man I deserved. I have broken free now but still feel lost as how to regain my lost self-respect and self-esteem and get back to be a healthy, balanced person who will not be taken for granted nor take anyone for granted.
Hi, I am the mum of a 19yr old daughter. My daughter got with this young man when she was 15yrs old and was her first boyfriend, he is 4yrs older than her and has alot of experiance, whereas my daughter has none!
She has been with him for 4yrs they never did hold hands out in public or even sit next to each other in the house, but he was a good laugh, but only if he wanted, they fall out everyday.
My daughter moved out of home 3 months ago, she has to pick him up from work at 3am. If she falls asleep god help he has to walk up the road to get home. She has a full-time job herself – shifts, and already has two warnings for being late.
Last weekend he got a warning off my husband. We were lost as to how to help our daughter, so now we are not allowed in to see her if he is in. Referring to myself as “her” when I went down for a quick visit.
This is breaking our hearts. We hardly ever get to see her or even her 13yr old brother.
It’s all alot of small things calling her names abusive to the max being unfaithful. It doesn’t matter what this boy does she takes him back. Then the next time I see her, tells me he had her a bubble bath with candles waitng for her getting back from work. That’s her letting me know he’s not that bad. But then suddenly she dashes into my house to get something and I shout “stop” because I haven’t seen her for a few days, she pauses until I get to her – when I see what is left of a black eye. I ask over and over “what is that?” She rubs and rubs but of course it stays. “I don’t know” she says!! Again recently he has slapped her round the face.
Now she tells me she is selling her beloved car and is going to cycle to her work bearing in mind 6am starts. We live in Scotland very rural with the kind of weather only cows and sheep are out in. She is a personal trainer and needs the car because of distance and weather.
I am so worried for her what if she comes off the bike the route is through a forest then work. She will not hear a word of my husband and I.
Please please does anybody know how I can help her without it being obvious to my daughter?? Before something terrible happens. I have left so much info out or it would be a book I was sending. Please help us. Judy
Dear Judy – Your plea is such a common plea – yet continues to be a dilemma to answer. I think part of this dilemma is the lack of a cohesive consistent community outrage at such abusive and controlling behaviours. Meantime until everyone in our communities stands up against this dynamic it continues to remain a private secret with victims who are dealing with fear, shame, self-blame. I have two suggestions. One is to contact some family violence organisations and discuss options with them – I’ve put some UK contacts here. This includes some free helpline numbers to call. Another idea is to read through the series of blogs I wrote on stages women go through in making sense of being controlled – you might find something of use in there. You can click on the following to read about each stage – Stage One, Stage Two, Stage Three, Stage Four, Stage Five. With warm support, Clare.
I did that to my mum – didn’t talk to her for 6 months. Sadly she passed away. I had only just begun talking to her to be honest. My ex hated my mum and I didn’t talk to her as it was easier than getting him angry with me. She was a dragon and I stayed awawy as if he knew he went over and threatened her. My advice is never shut the door on your daughter and know she loves you but it’s hard.
My name is Jennifer. I’ve been married over 16 years to a man 9 years younger. I think he is an emotional abuser he is calling me names; like stupid, ignorant, ridiculous, the he could be a better cook than me if he wants to learn. He doesn’t want me to tell anybody about any of our future plans. He doesn’t want me to have friends. He says that could lead to future problems. Finally he wants us to move far from my kids and family.
I’m JoJo, Ive been in a relationship for two and half years. He, my so called partner, is controlling and emotionally abusive. When I tell him what he is doing he turns it round and says it’s me doing it to him. He is also an alcoholic. Says that he can’t take anymore of what Im doing to him, acts the victim. I tell him he is scaring me and he says I scare him. I have spent many nights sat at my kitchen table with my head down whilst he has told me about myself, how old I am, how wrinkly I am (only 45!) to look at the state of me, who do I think I am, do I think I’m better than him? He has a one-sided conversation and answers for me. I moved him out in May this year as the kitchen thing was doing my head in. It is so infuriating I feel sometimes I am going mad and don’t understand why I keep putting up with it, I’m giving him the green light to carry on, oh I know all this stuff. I couldn’t even go to work today after the barrage of abusive texts he sent me last night, all because I wouldn’t see him. He is absolutely relentless and borders on psychotic at times…walking past my house looking in the kitchen to see if I’m in, noticing if my car has moved from one spot to another. He blames me for everything and then buys me chocolates/jewellery and tells me to put the past behind us, that no one will love me like he does (hope not). My sons hate him, they have heard the kitchen episodes. I hate myself for putting up with it, and yet at the moment find myself sitting here on a Friday night wondering what he is up to. What a joke eh? What is my problem. He is jealous but accuses me of lying all the time. He questions everything I do or say if I bump into anyone I know. He constantly asks me if I have bumped into friends and if I’m going to go out with them, then when he buggers off as he does about once every two weeks, he sends me texts saying he is with a much younger woman and they are having sex etc… I feel like I’m on a rollacoaster, I know everything and yet I still take him back. These unbalanced relationships we get ourselves into are a passionate love hate torture. It is draining the life and soul out of me. I cry more, feel isolated and yet can put my mask on and go out there and pretend it’s all fine. Crikey the more I type this stuff the more depressed I’m getting. Maybe as I’m reading all these sites on the computer could mean I’m looking for a way out, some help. I wish the rest of you well, I will get out of this I know I will, seems I have to sacrifice myself till I’m ground to the floor first. x
I am flat out in a state of shock from just reading the other Comments. What strangers we all are yet you are all telling my story. I actually have not suffered the brutality and cruelty a couple of others have but that don’t mean I won’t. Now I have been warned! I have been married to my pro mental abuser for 10 years now. To be honest today is day 1 of really seeing that he indeed is abusing me. I actually apologized to him a few months ago for me abusing him. Ha ha ha. It is so hard to leave him. I am so dependent on him for everything. I don’t work and have no friends and not any family around and we live out in the sticks. A dear Chat Friend proved to me that he was indeed abusing me mentally this afternoon and now after reading you alls Comments. Last night he proceded to masturbate in front of me saying he was just airing it out. I asked something about us having sex and he grabs a bottle of tequilla with a long neck and holds it up on my bed and smiles his evil smile at me. He has never done this cruel of a thing about our sex life. It was the best part of us but now it is clear I was not seeing things when I saw him letting a woman in our front door a month ago. Nope I definately mean nothing any longer to him and all those questionable actions from the past are clearly telling me he never loved me and we were held togther because I wanted him soo bad. It was my love cause he does not care. I think these people are incapable of true love. I don’t get it but I have much to read here at this site and I hope to learn. I think I will get a women’s abuse group to help me with divorce because I just tremble when he is upset at me and I cannot in anyway defend myself. See you all in other Comments and emails and Chats. Thank you all for speaking up here.
I just left my husband of twenty years because of the secret and very damaging psycholgical abuse. It shows me just how complicated this issue is. For another person to abuse you in such a way means that you have to play the part and agree to it and for a manipulative person this is all they need as permission to take control. I was emotionally abused as a child so I was “ripe for the picking” by this man who proceeded to demean me little by little over many years. He is in the public eye and is seen as a selfless hero which I now believe is a strategy to hide his extreme emotional cruelty behind closed doors.
After some time I began to get abusive towards him and very angry. It was my counsellor who first used the word “abuse” to me in terms of what my husband was doing to me. At first it rocked me and confused me because I couldn’t believe I’d been abused. I really thought I was the abuser.
I was also very confused about what was going on. He had told me so many alterations of the truth and I really relied on him for my own identity. He told me over many years that he knew me better than I did and I believed him!
It was hard to recognise and admit because he also complimented me to other people and built up a picture of the doting husband although he never really gave me too many of these compliments. He complimented me a lot about things that made him happy but rubbished what made me happy.
He manipulated me, isolated me geographically, physically and emotionally.
Towards the end of the relationship the sex was getting weirder but I complied with that too.
I have trouble now accepting what I endured for so long – the secrecy of it all is hard to live with.
These people do not care about their partners – hard to believe, but true. They will do anything to get you to believe what they do but you are really a support mechanism and a shield for them.
I would like to say to gooshimin that people told me we all have options and I didn’t believe them. I thought that’s all I deserved and I even regularly contemplated suicide but I have survived and many other women have too.
You have a community of people here who can support you and the more information you get like Clare’s work the more you will be able to take care of yourself.
Hi, I am 58 years old, and after a 26-year marriage, I kicked my “husband” out of the house. I caught him cheating on me with a 38 year old Thai “masseuse” (a prostitute). He had been doing so for more than a year. Then I realized he had been frequenting brothels for a long time. It was all my (and the children’s) fault. Apparently the house was not welcoming…. Everything was always our fault… Now that he has been kicked out, I realize what a fool I was for so many years. The guy had been controlling me, an intelligent, independent, fun (but not necessarily party-loving) person, to the point I became a shell. He sucked the life out of me (us). Now that he has been kicked out (happened 3 months ago), we are so happy. Why is it that what he did/does (because he will do it to someone else) is not regarded as an offense? No marks, though I ended up with breast cancer 5 years ago, throughout which he kept on visiting his “pros” (supposedly golf pros). Please tell me what can be done to expose such predators…. Josette
I have been with my partner for 10 years, we have a beautiful daughter who is 9 years old. We have argued for years, he has called me names in front of our child like I am horrible, I am a whore and a c….t and he’s now even hitting me in front of her and it’s all my fault because he tells me it’s because of me and the way I talk… I am a nasty person because I talk horrible to him. He’s lied and cheated on me and denies it. If I am all these things he says then why do I have so many people that like me? I know this is all wrong, but I just don’t know where to turn any more. I have no family and no money to leave and I don’t live in my own country. He tells me I don’t earn enough money with my work, I work 5 days a week do all the cleaning and most of the cooking.. All he tells me is that his life is hard and I should go to work with him for the day and then I would stop moaning. He screams at me if I confront him with anything and then he has put holes in all our doors either by punching them or because he’s thrown something at me and it’s missed me. He’s hit me quite a few times, never is really sorry for it and when I bring it up, he gets so mad… What a waste of space I am to allow all this to happen to me… I so wished my angel would help me as I am so scared and my head is so done in… I am so desperate, because I actually think it’s me and my fault, because my head is so messed up!!!
I just left my husband and I am in the process trying to define what has been going on, what is my fault and so on. Found this page so thank you.