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Anger that just won’t go away

by Clare Murphy PhD on October 14 2010

I’ve known many women who, after leaving a controlling male partner, experienced ongoing anger that just would not go away. Some women have incessant thoughts of revenge and fight with themselves not to do something they’ll regret. I’m writing this blog in response to a comment posted by Amy in my blog post about how victims cope with psychological abuse. Amy’s tried meditating, running, writing, art, etc. and continues to struggle with an “inner anger”. I have many questions/suggestions that could help expose and dampen the boiling lava underneath the surface . . .

Acknowledge your competence and functioning

List 50 ways in which you are a competent/functioning woman, sister, friend, daughter, mother, human – if you have trouble writing this list ask friends and family to help.

List 20 things you said and did in an attempt to make the relationship work.

List 20 ways you wish you’d behaved differently – then decide (a) which of these things could have in reality made a difference when faced with someone who was avoiding responsibility by denying, minimizing or blaming; and (b) which of these things you may need to practice in ongoing relationships with others.

Plan a meaningful future

Name 30 things/values/beliefs that are important to you. Prioritise them into what is the most important in your life. For me I make nearly all of my life choices based on the path that makes me feel most alive – “aliveness”.

Revise the meaning of “loyalty”

  • Were you loyal to a committed relationship – or to your wellbeing?
  • Were you loyal to respecting and trusting your partner despite some suspicious behaviours – or were you loyal to your gut feelings?
  • Were you loyal to a situation that was depleting your lifeforce, that was eating you up inside, that was making you feel unwell – or were you loyal to whatever it is that makes you feel alive?
  • Were you loyal to religious doctrines or social messages that it is a woman’s role to make a relationship work and that you made your bed you must lie in it – or were you loyal to your physical, spiritual, emotional wellbeing?

Unravel any remnants of confusion

Do you still hold tight to a Belief in a just world? (I wrote about the problem with this belief here.) Do you still wonder how someone you loved and trusted could be so deceiving, manipulative, denigrating and controlling? Do you still find it hard to believe he could do and say some terrible things to you? Do you still assume there’s something wrong with you and that despite doing a lot to try to make the relationship work you you still feel you failed? Do you continue to churn over ways you could have behaved differently to ensure you did not “fail”?

The way I personally deal with the “belief in a just world” is to acknowledge that so-called good people, people in positions of authority, people who are supposed to be trustworthy – can all do and say unjust, abusive things – fact. People misusing power and control lurk around many unsuspecting corners. Do NOT BE SURPRISED by this fact. Acknowledge this as a reality. Keep a watch out for it – do not live by the illusion that this problem does not exist. On the other hand MOST people are great. Be surprised every time you spend time with a new person who you can trust – and celebrate that person.

Another idea – List things your ex-partner said about you that you still wonder might be true. Get real about which of those things are true and change them. Get real about which of those things were blatantly not true – and tell yourself the truth.

Powerlessness and vulnerabilities often underpin anger

Brainstorm answers to each of the following. Say the question out loud to yourself over and over until you have come up with several answers to each question . . .

  • A way I’m feeling vulnerable as a result of what happened to me is . . .
  • A way I still feel unsafe is . . .
  • Ways I now lack trust are . . .
  • The fears underlying this anxious feeling are . . .
  • A reason I’m resisting letting go of anger is . . .
  • A reason I’m resisting letting go of revenge is . . .
  • Something I still feel resentful about as a result of that relationship is . . .
  • A way the feeling of shame is affecting me is . . .

Your answers to these questions will give you clues to issues you need to deal with – and anger may not be one of them. If you benefit from suggestions in this blog, I’d love it if you would post comments to say what was useful. And also let me know any other things that may have worked for you to deal with anger that seemed not to go away. I wish you well.

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“Ensuring our manhood stays intact”

by Clare Murphy PhD on October 9 2010

Men and women are socialised into a society founded on social hierarchies. In the west, those who are considered to have higher status than others are white people, people with higher education, men, people in the middle age range (that is not children and not elderly), people who are physically and mentally able, the rich, heterosexuals – I think you know this, even if you don’t believe in the validity of these hierarchies – they exist for the benefit of a few and to the detriment of most.

These social hierarchies are sustained across all levels of society – at the political level; at the institutional level such as the judiciary, education and health system; in relationships with family, peers, colleagues and at the individual level – those of us who consciously or unconsciously internalise beliefs and do things that uphold social hierarchies (including laughing at racist, homophobic or sexist jokes).

Masculinities represent one form of hierarchy. Some ways of behaving bring about honour, kudos, respect, prestige, heroic status, acceptance and recognition, whilst other ways of behaving lead to abuse, bullying, denigration, shaming, humiliation and ostracism.

Men’s violence against men is glamorised (thus violence is an honourable masculine practice). Men’s use, abuse and objectification of women is encouraged in some levels across the social ecology (images abound in the media that glamorise such masculine behaviour). Thus a man who controls his dating or live-in female partner is practicing an honourable form of masculinity.

Colonialists transported British laws that condoned men’s ownership and control over wives, into USA, Australia, New Zealand in the 1700s and 1800s. Remnants of this legal legacy impact our society today.

One of the strongest influences on men’s perpetration of intimate partner abuse is other men. Research shows men face constant badgering from their peers: “Who wears the pants in your house?” “What are you mate, are you under the thumb?” “Who makes the decisions in your house? Don’t let your woman control you!”

When I interviewed some men who had abused their partners, some said that over the years they had nearly always responded to such peer pressure by: 1. Pretending they were in control of their partners in order to save face in front of men; 2. Actually going on to control their partner; 3. Remaining silent in order to maintain relationships with male peers; 4. And as one man said, “Try to make sure our manhood stayed intact” by using verbal abuse or physical abuse.

It is rare for men to challenge other men who promote sexism, misogyny and abuse of women. There is a culture of silence and protection. It had been rare for the men I interviewed to stand up for a close caring relationship with their female partner. Yet underneath, many men want this.

Many male perpetrators of domestic and family violence and psychological abuse and control attempt to suppress vulnerabilities, signs of weakness, anxieties, any behaviours considered feminine (including showing care, love and empathy). Instead they attempt to climb the hierarchy of masculinities by behaving in violent, bullying and controlling ways in order to claim acceptance, recognition and heroic status in the eyes or real or imagined other men. MOST people do NOT bestow this kudos on men who abuse and control others. However, the reality is that in our contemporary society – you will observe multiple messages and practices that honour certain masculinities and dishonour others.

Individual men abuse individual women. But social structures (in practice and ideologies) support and encourage this. For intimate partner abuse and control to stop, support for social hierarchies of all kinds has to stop. It takes a whole community to stop power and control over others.

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Warning signs that your male partner is emotionally controlling you

by Clare Murphy PhD on August 20 2010

You’re dating or living with this good looking guy, maybe he’s charming and you feel wanted . . . but things he says or does make you feel bad about yourself – and you can’t really figure out why. You likely question yourself asking whether it’s something about you – because he doesn’t seem to think it’s about him . . . Somehow whatever negative things happen between you, you’re left feeling that it’s you with the problem.

Perhaps you got into the relationship quickly, maybe had sex much sooner than you wanted. Maybe you didn’t develop a friendship before suddenly spending most of your time with him and hardly, if ever, seeing your friends or family any more. Your life may have narrowed so that you’re no longer pursuing your own interests – life may seem to be all about being with him . . . waiting on him . . . thinking about him. If he seems jealous or possessive maybe you find that enticing because it makes you feel wanted and special.

Have you started changing?

Have you started changing for him, to keep him, to make him happy, to prove you’re lovable? If your old friends were flies on the wall, what might they notice that is different about you? Will they notice you’ve changed your appearance? That you’ve become secretive, dull, lost your sense of aliveness?

Has your mind started to go crazy after arguments – as if anything you thought was logical before meeting this man now seems confusing?

Have you started to feel guilty about all sorts of things? Yet deep down you know you have not done anything wrong. But then instead of admitting to yourself that you feel uncertain or unsafe, you start hiding things you do so you can feel the freedom you had before the relationship.

Or do you find yourself lying to him – yet that’s not something you usually do? But if you slow your thought processes down and explore your intuition, you may discover that you started lying because he has a way about him that makes you feel uneasy. Perhaps you started lying to yourself because he’s so sensitive you don’t want to hurt him – yet if you were honest with yourself, is something going on whereby it is you who is feeling hurt?

Do you think you’re not good enough?

If you ever had beliefs before that you weren’t good enough, something wrong with you, or you were stupid or ugly – have those thoughts become worse since being with this new man? If they got worse it’s highly likely you started changing yourself to seek his approval and to prove to him that you were good enough, that you are capable and good looking enough. But all your efforts are not working . . . is that true?

Can you answer ‘yes’ to these questions?

  1. I trust this man 100%
  2. He respects me totally without a doubt
  3. He’s always honest and I feel completely safe to be honest with him
  4. He definitely respects my privacy
  5. I feel totally free to be myself round him anywhere anytime
  6. I adamantly feel safe with him – always

Be honest with yourself

If you answered ‘no’ to these questions – it is very probable you are with a man that is engaged in a slow process of gaining more and more emotional control over you and your life. To check how real this may be I urge you to download this list of tactics that some men use to control their female partner. Go through and check if he is using any of these behaviours.

Just in case he is controlling you . . . it may not be safe to show him the list. If he is using ongoing emotional abuse, then it may be supportive for you to take the list – and discuss what’s happening to you – to a trusted friend or family member (possibly someone he has said he does not like or does not want you to see), or a counsellor. Or contact a local domestic violence agency as they are trained in helping women make sense of subtle emotional abuse and control.

Trust your gut instincts

Some aims of checking this list and seeking support outside the relationship are to empower yourself so that you have greater choice over your life and all your current and future relationships. Another aim is to do what it takes to care for yourself, and to trust your gut instincts about what’s really going on with you and your partner.

Ultimately relationships have to feel safe

Markers of a healthy relationship – whether that’s a dating partner, someone you live with, a workmate, a school friend – are when you can say to yourself, “Yes this person is honest, trustworthy, respectful, honours my privacy, is safe to be around and I feel totally free to be myself”.

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The Belief in a Just World harms women who are abused and controlled

by Clare Murphy PhD on July 30 2010

Most people want to believe the World is Just and Fair. Melvin Lerner, a social psychologist who in 1980 wrote The Belief in a Just World: A Fundamental Delusion, says that the Belief in a Just World influences our assumptions about how to judge perpetrators who do harm and how to judge victims who are harmed.

If you read any novel, Christian doctrine, watch any movie, or listen to people around you, you will consistently see and hear assumptions based on the Belief in a Just World – that good people get rewarded and bad people get punished. That if you develop self-less, hardworking, kind, caring, compassionate, giving, loyal qualities and behaviours then you will benefit – there will only be positive outcomes . . . . Good people get what they deserve!

And a Belief in a Just World assumes that if you are selfish, lazy, denigrate others, manipulate or con them, lie, break commitments, promises and marriage vows then negative consequences will follow . . . . Bad people get what they deserve!

But the world is not always Just nor Fair

When a man engages in a long-term pattern of controlling, undermining, enslaving, belittling, restricting and entrapping his female partner – this is neither Just nor Fair.

The world is not Just when the woman’s protests and attempts to stop the abuse fall on deaf ears. The world is not Just when the man responds by denying he’s doing harm, minimising the harm, or blaming the woman. The world is not Just when family, friends, colleagues, neighbours, legal and human service professionals condone the man’s ongoing systematic campaign to control his partner. Many male perpetrators of intimate partner abuse do not get what they deserve. Many female victims do not get the justice they deserve.

It is detrimental for female victims to Believe in a Just World

Many women try to make sense of their male partner’s behaviours by assuming he must only be acting in Just and Fair ways. So, if she feels harmed by something he says or does she will let him know, discuss it with him, seek change on his part. But if he says he did nothing wrong, that it’s all in her head, that she provoked it, or that it is her behaviours that are the problem, then she will go away and contemplate what it was in her own character or behaviour that caused him to harm her.

Over time she will develop the belief that there’s something wrong with her, that she’s not good enough, that she’s not worthy. If she believes in a Just World she will find it extremely difficult to believe her partner is as horrible as his behaviours seem. So she will blame herself and double her efforts to be the good wife he is wanting. After all most women I’ve ever met who experience being manipulated and controlled by their male partners spend years attempting to be good – knowing that being good is supposed to result in positive outcomes. So, she will put aside her suspicions that he’s actually intentionally harming her.

Women make sense of abuse and control based on the Belief in a Just World

If you experience confusion about how to behave in response to ongoing subtle abuse and control, and confusion about how you feel and the cause of those feelings this is so often linked with the Belief in a Just World. If you are a good girl, always wanting to be there for others you’ll probably assume others have the same goal – that they want to be nice and caring to you. So you will be consistently shocked every time your partner (who is supposed to care about you) abuses, manipulates or controls you. And shocked when others abuse you.

Be honest with yourself – listen to your gut instinct

Set aside the idea that everyone acts in Just and Fair ways, then you will have a clearer view that all your partner’s small, trivial, covert, subtle harmful behaviours over months and years create a pattern. You may admit a number of things to yourself – perhaps the pattern is harming you, perhaps you did not “let” it happen, but that you probably made multiple attempts to get him to take responsibility for his behaviours, perhaps you might remember that he has said things like “there’s something wrong with you”, that “you’re not good enough” and that “you are so unworthy you’re lucky you have him as no one else would have you”. If you’re honest with yourself you would admit such statements by the man who is supposed to love you are not the hallmark of a Just World.

Drop the Belief in a Just World

Admit to the reality that injustice and unfairness lurk around every corner. Then you will not be surprised when someone attempts to psychologically control you – whether that’s your partner, someone at work or school, a friend or family member. Watch for warning signs. Start being wonderfully surprised every time someone is good, kind, caring, honest, trustworthy and respectful – don’t automatically assume everyone is going to be so nice and trustworthy. Admit to yourself if you feel suspicious about someone – listen to your gut instincts. Tell yourself the truth and stop making excuses for someone who is potentially attempting to abuse and control you. Be honest with yourself – do you feel psychologically safe with your partner, or anyone else in your life, or with any new person you meet?

Not everyone is trustworthy or safe – even people who are supposed to love you

Until you can be 100% honest with yourself that you feel completely free and safe to be yourself – your kind, giving, trusting self with someone – then do what it takes to protect yourself – set your boundaries and remember – it is delusional to believe that a Just World exists everywhere. Not everyone is all bad or all good. Just because an abusive and controlling person also has many weaknesses, insecurities and vulnerabilities – this does not mean you should ignore what is harmful about them. Don’t give your trust to everyone – not everyone deserves it!

Be discerning – you can have compassion for someone’s humanity and vulnerabilities – whilst at the same time protecting yourself from abuse and one-sided power and control.

Reference:

Lerner, Melvin (1980). The Belief in a Just World: A Fundamental Delusion (Critical Issues in Social Justice)

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Language women should use in the Family Court

by Clare Murphy PhD on April 14 2010

Many women feel like failures because they have not stopped the man they love from psychologically abusing and controlling them

Most women who attend counselling – to come to terms with their partner’s psychologically abusive and controlling behaviours – often beat up on themselves saying: “I let it happen” and “I feel like I’ve failed”.

Women talk about the effects and impact of abuse and control

Women describe feeling emotionally beaten down, shame, guilt, anger, sadness, depression, lack of confidence, insecure, discouraged, defeated, desperate, fearful, anxious and full of dread. They talk about being codependent, having self-doubt, a low belief in their abilities, confused, a feeling of going insane and an inability to concentrate. This brief list can lead Family Court Judges, lawyers, psychologists and other supporters of female victims to interpret the effects and impacts of abuse as equivalent to passivity, incompetence, and poor mental health. So what can women and their supporters do to combat this social problem?

It is necessary to uncover ways women actively resist abuse

Women continually use multiple strategies to resist being controlled and psychologically abused by male partners.

Women seek advice and help from others, they strategically subordinate or silence themselves, purposefully choose not to state their beliefs and opinions, consciously choose when to stay quiet and when to assert themselves – all to avoid further abuse.

If a man who persistently attempts to control his partner pressures her not to work, and she defies this by going to work, regardless of abusive repercussions, this act of resistance shows that the woman does not “let abuse happen”.

Women may do things to please their partner that they might not ordinarily do, they may ignore his behaviour, or they may cry as a way of showing they refuse to be content with being verbally abused and emotionally manipulated. Yet other women refuse to cry with the aim of not giving the abusive man the pleasure.

These acts of resistance prove women do not have low self-esteem, rather women resist abuse because they do esteem themselves. Women who defiantly talk to a male colleague at a party, despite their partner badgering them to stay away from all men, and women who refuse to obey their partner’s rigid rule that dinner should be on the table at 5 o’clock sharp every night, are refusing to be dictated to. These acts of resistance do not entail letting abuse happen. The abuse happens because, the man who is hell bent on controlling his partner, is violating her needs and boundaries.

Many women resist being controlled by lying about where they’re going, by sneaking out, by not telling their husband where they are going, or who they are having coffee with. These are acts aimed at preserving autonomy, independence and freedom.

Canadian Family Therapist, Dr Allan Wade, along with his colleagues, have researched and written some splendid articles that give an empowering spin to the language women use to describe the impact of being abused . . .

“Despair” is usually considered to be a negative effect of abuse. However, Wade and colleagues suggest that “despair” actually suggests that the victim of abuse is hoping for, or calling for, change.

“Sleeplessness” is generally labelled the problem to be solved. However, lying awake at night worrying about the crazy-making mind-games her partner is playing, is actually a strategy of resistance. In other words this kind of “wakefulness” is refusing to be content with being emotionally abused and controlled.

Using the “language of resistance” in the Family Court

When women write affidavits aimed at helping them win custody of their children, it is common to write the negative effects, or impacts, resulting from the man’s psychologically abusive and controlling behaviours. However, Allan Wade and his colleagues’s research shows that, by women saying they have low-self esteem, depression, anxiety, stress, etc., this language can feed into stereotypes that women victims of abuse are not capable of resisting abuse, or of maintaining custody of their children.

Allan Wade PhD, and his colleagues, strongly suggest that women and their supporters include information in written court documents about all the ways the woman has resisted, and continues to resist, each and every form of abuse by their partner. Rather than asking the woman how the abuse impacted, or effected her, instead ask how she responded when her partner did xyz. Ask her what she did when he said, or did, xyz. The woman’s answers to this will represent her as active and competent.

How women resist abuse depends on the context

Women do not use the same strategy of resistance in response to abuse and control every time. Rather women decide which situation best suits which kind of resistance – always with the aim of keeping herself safe and sane, and with the aim of reducing or stopping the abuse and control.

Any small act of resistance is a sign of success

Just because a woman has not been able to stop the man’s abusive and controlling behaviours does not mean she has “let the abuse happen”. The fact that she has engaged in hours, months and years of subtle, and not-so-subtle, strategies of resistance, means she has successfully mustered up chunks of control over her own life – no matter how tiny that sense of control may feel. It means she has succeeded at not allowing her partner to have 100% control over her decisions, her actions, her secret thoughts, hopes and dreams. It means she has grabbed some form of self-preservation that she has refused to allow him to steal from her. What women do to resist abuse is a sign that they are capable of maintaining custody of their children.

References:

  • Campbell, Jacquelyn C., Rose, Linda E., Kub, Joan, & Nedd, Daphne. (1998). Voices of strength and resistance: A contextual and longitudinal analysis of women’s responses to battering. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 13, 743-762.
  • Coates, Linda, & Ridley, Penny. (2009). Representing victims of sexualized assault. In E. Faulkner & G. MacDonald (Eds.), Victim no more: Women’s resistance to law, culture and power. Halifax & Winnipeg: Fernwood Publishing.
  • Coates, Linda, & Wade, Allan. (2004). Telling it like it isn’t: Obscuring perpetrator responsibility for violent crime. Discourse & Society, 15, 499-526.
  • Coates, Linda, & Wade, Allan. (2007). Language and violence: Analysis of four discursive operations. Journal of Family Violence, 22, 511-522.
  • Renoux, Martine, & Wade, Allan. (2008). Resistance to violence: A key symptom of chronic mental wellness. Context, June, 2-4.
  • Todd, Nick, Wade, Allan, & Renoux, Martine. (2007). Coming to terms with violence and resistance.   Retrieved 25 March, 2010, from http://www.yaletownfamilytherapy.com/tcpapers/allanwade02.pdf

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Why do so many women lose custody battles?

by Clare Murphy PhD on March 23 2010

Why are so many women who are psychologically abused and controlled by male partners losing court battles for custody of their children?

There are two cruxes of men’s intimate partner abuse – gender and power.

The way that power operates in our society underpins domestic violence and family court judges’s decisions.

Whether men deliberately aim to gain and maintain power and control or not, this is the effect on women. If you look at the hierarchies of power and control in nearly every social setting, from kindergartens, workplaces, universities and governments, you will see that the misuse of power and control in an intimate relationship is not a symptom of that one relationship – but reflects a wider social problem.

When John Howard was Australia’s Prime Minister, his political party pulled the plug on the airing of challenges against psychological abuse and power and control in a national public multi-media campaign. After a three-year market research project, costing the Australian government at least $3.53 million, the government withdrew the launch of the campaign at the last minute. The campaign slogan was going to be “No Respect, No Relationship”, but a new campaign was quickly developed to replace this with the slogan “Violence Against Women, Australia Says No”. The function of the original campaign was to help people understand that psychologically controlling forms of abuse, as well as physical and sexual abuse, are inappropriate ways for men to relate to women. The new campaign only depicted images of physical violence and rape. The new slogan had no bearing on what men do, rather only stated the government’s position. The Prime Minister stated in the foreword to the booklet that went to all Australian homes, that the government’s role was not “to tell people how to live their lives; our personal relationships are private”.

The way that gender operates in our society underpins domestic violence and family court judges’s decisions.

When you examine gender hierarchies, men are generally considered superior to women. There are hierarchies amongst men that consider some men to be more superior than other men – for example white middle class heterosexual men are considered to have greater social kudos and are often given more respect than black working class homosexual men. People at the top of hierarchies are often talked about in positive terms and people at the bottom are often blamed for being lazy, bludging, sick, irresponsible, bad people. These are gross stereotypical generalisations – but nonetheless hold sway in the public mind – and the minds of court judges.

Domestic violence is usually discussed in terms of who is responsible and who is to blame. Even if the man did use physical or sexual violence, public attitudes tend towards justifying, excusing, minimising or hiding men’s violence against women. Psychological abuse and non-physical tactics of control are already hidden and often so subtle, even the woman victim is not able to articulate what’s going on.

Public attitudes often consider men’s control over female partners as men’s legitimate right to uphold their male position as head of the house – thereby what they say goes. Women are perceived as provoking abuse and are held responsible for preventing or stopping it. These attitudes, along with the myth that it take two-to-tango and that men’s abuse is a symptom of the relationship, play a role in family court judges’s decisions.

Many judges collude with male perpetrators – especially middle to upper class men – they may engage in banter about sport for instance and the judge may rule in favour of the man. I read an example of this and in the end the judge dismissed the woman’s need for protection. The man later murdered his ex-partner. This killing might have been prevented if it was not for the judge being influenced by the dominant idea that domestic violence only occurs amongst working class groups or amongst non-white races.

Public attitudes and the structures of gender and power in our society play a major role in why family court judges make particular rulings. This means many women lose custody of their children despite their male partner having engaged in years of ongoing systematic damaging tactics of power and control.

I will write a blog soon about possible ways women can represent themselves in court documents and verbally in court – ways that do not play into stereotypes of passive, pathetic, mad, female victims.

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Abusers gain custody of children

by Clare Murphy PhD on February 20 2010

On this PBS video you will hear children talking about the impact of domestic violence and the failure of the court system to honour their needs and keep them safe. You will also see domestic violence and legal professionals describe the all too common fact that justice is not being done in favour of many many children.

This is a vast problem that reflects the interplay between male abusers’ use of children as weapons against women to maintain power and control, and to maintain what they consider to be their “rightful” position as head of the family. Plus . . . it reflects the support for such abuse by some professionals who are either ill-informed about the realities of psychological control, or who intentionally support men’s right to have power over women and children.

If you need help with child custody issues please read my suggestions here.

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Book review: Not of my making: Bullying, scapegoating and misconduct in churches

by Clare Murphy PhD on February 15 2010

Here I write a review of Dr. Margaret W. Jones’s book about her experience of abuse within church communities.

My first impressions when I received this memoir to review were that it was a heavy long 400-page book with small writing so I thought it better be good! I was surprised that a Reverend had written the foreword, so realised Margaret must have found someone in the church who was not a bully. I thought the foreword was well written and it enticed me to want to read the book. I thought I could learn something – and I did.

In Chapter One titled Vulnerability I read that Margaret had been neglected, physically abused in the house by her father, sexually abused by a neighbour and an uncle, she experienced school bullying, and psychological abuse and ignorance by teachers. The author paints a visual picture of the environment and an emotional picture of the neglect and lack of ability by any adults to nurture and nourish. Her vivid story telling is a major strength of the book. It begins with a story of a child alone, naïve, uninformed with zero wise guidance from any adult. Reading this chapter made me feel very angry and hungry to read what happened next.

The title Not of My Making gave me a clue that Margaret was probably going to describe her experience of being embroiled in abuse of a one-sided nature amongst church members – and she did.

The theme of the book grapples with a belief in a just and safe world within churches and coming to terms with the fact that many church communities are not safe, nor are they just. This book is one person’s life across multiple settings where bystanders support abusers, where those who might ordinarily be considered benign authority figures turn out to condone bullies and never follow through on promises to bring justice for victims.

This book tells a story that could be experienced by any unsuspecting innocent person – male or female – in any community organisation, any workplace, any institution – any place where you think you should expect friendship, safety, kindness, honesty and trustworthiness.

I personally have a poor memory for recalling the storyline in books and movies, but Margaret’s story was so well written and stirred such emotions of outrage that I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. I was frustrated when she was continually up against a brick wall, and joyful when she started to realise that the abuse was not about her being flawed or not good enough, but . . . that the abuse was actually being perpetrated by so-called just people. Her process of discovering this reality was slow and frustrated me greatly because I wanted to see justice done NOW! But that is not reality for many many victims of psychological bullying.

I wondered who the right audience would be for this book. Victims of abuse would find it extremely validating. And this book is important for friends, family or professionals who want to understand what a victim thinks and feels and how they behave in response to abuse – such as endlessly asking the abuser to take responsibility for their actions; self-harm; constant help-seeking from people who want to help, who pretend they want to help but don’t, and who refuse to help. The problem is the victim trusts that ALL people will and do take responsibility for their actions. It took Margaret years to realise this is a myth.

The author’s purpose in writing the book is to have her voice heard in a step towards making religious communities safe places. I think the purpose is only partially met. The main weakness in this book is the lack of analysis throughout the story to explain to the reader why the victim responded to the abuser in the ways that she did and why the abusers (there were many within the church communities) refused to take responsibility for their actions.

Although the author did mention a small number of insightful turning points that helped her, I really wanted more tips for how to recognise, deal with, or stop such abuse. The saving grace here is that the author has provided a bibliography of books that people can read. This list also names books about other themes addressed in the book including: hidden culture of aggression amongst girls; lack of bystander intervention for victims; adoptive families when the experts make things wrong; subtle power of spiritual abuse; how to identify and deal with antagonists in the church; and a book about Sudanese young refugees. Overall I enjoyed every morsel I read and highly recommend the book.

About the author – Margaret W. Jones PhD. Margaret was awarded her doctorate in 1986 from Hofsta University, USA. Her professional background includes extensive work with both severely mentally ill and developmentally disabled clients. Dr. Jones draws from her own recovery from trauma to assist other survivors to thrive. Click this title Not My Making to check out the book at Amazon, or you can find it direct from the author.

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Safety tips for leaving a controlling partner

by Clare Murphy PhD on December 2 2009

Women who have male partners who psychologically abuse, restrict, control, manipulate and rob women of their sense of self, need a safety plan whether their partner ever lays a finger on them or not. Many controlling men stalk, threaten and harass women who leave. Other controlling men use physical violence, or threaten to kill, or do kill the woman who leaves and sometimes kill the children too.

By safe I mean – spiritually safe, psychologically safe and physically safe – to maintain a sense of dignity and aliveness. Some women have been controlled by their male partner for 10, 20, 40 or more years and want to make plans to eventually leave. Other women know that they are going to leave very soon and know they need to take safety measures.

If you are a woman being abused and controlled it is highly likely you are always doing what it takes to keep your psychological wellbeing as safe as possible – whether that is arguing and getting aggressive, or going silent and withdrawing into a private world. Here are some added tips for women who may need or want to leave their controlling partner – whether he has ever used or may use physical violence or not.

Plan possible escape routes

  • Plan with your children which doors, windows, fire escapes, stairwells, etc. to use if you need to escape quickly

Enlist trustworthy support

  • Leave copies of your safety plan, your Protection/Restraining Order and Custody Order with a trusted friend, neighbour, your children’s school or day care
  • Develop a code word or phrase with children, trusted friends or colleagues so they know when you are in danger and should call for help
  • Teach your children how to use the telephone to contact police or a trusted friend

Transport to escape

  • Keep the car full of petrol, the driver’s door unlocked and always back the car into the drive to make it easier to leave quickly
  • Hide a spare car key where you can grap it quickly
  • Keep money handy if you need to take a taxi cab
  • Keep the taxi cab number handy
  • Ask people you trust in advance if they will provide a ride to help you escape

Choose a place to go

  • Ask people you trust in advance if they would give you a place to stay
  • Women’s refuge/shelter
  • A holiday park is cheaper than a hotel

Create a false trail

  • Create a false trail, for example, call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. Ask questions that require a call back to your house in order to leave phone numbers on record.

Pack a survival kit and hide it

  • Keep the following items in a safe place – could be a friend’s house, neighbour, or workplace: Phone/contact numbers, money, spare keys, clothes, small sentimental items, medication, important documents

Important phone numbers/contacts

  • Crisisline, helpline numbers
  • Trusted friends and family
  • Taxi cab
  • Police
  • Women’s refuge/shelter (if you call from home, immediately dial another number so your partner cannot push redial and find out where you’ve gone)

Money

  • Put money away in a safe place to assist with the escape and getting started again in a different location
  • Small, sellable objects
  • Open a bank account in your own name to increase your independence
  • Money, cheque book, hole-in-the-wall cards, credit cards, bank books

Spare keys

  • Extra set of keys to the car, house, office and safe-deposit box

Clothes, small sentimental and comfort items

  • Clothes
  • Children’s baby photos and other pictures
  • Children’s favourite toys and blankets
  • Comfort items for you and your children

Medication

  • A supply of prescription medicines for you and your children
  • A list of the drugs and dosages

Important documents

Transport documents

  • Driver’s license, registration and ownership papers

Health documents

  • Social security cards
  • Community service cards
  • Medical records
  • Children’s immunization/vaccination records
  • A list of prescriptions

Work/financial documents

  • Work permits, green card
  • Bank records
  • Papers that show jointly owned assets
  • Work references

Identification papers

  • Birth certificates – yours and your children’s
  • Passports
  • Citizenship documents

House documents

  • Mortgage papers, titles, deeds
  • Lease/rental agreement

Legal documents

  • Protection/Restraining orders
  • Custody papers
  • Court documents
  • Marriage license
  • Divorce papers

Other documents

  • School records
  • Insurance papers
  • Address book

References:

  • Calgary Women’s Emergency Shelter. (2005). Resistance to violence and abuse in intimate relationships – A response based perspective. Retrieved November, 2009, from http://www.calgarywomensshelter.com/
  • Hart, Barbara J. (various dates). Barbara J. Hart’s collected writings. Retrieved March, 2009, from http://www.mincava.umn.edu/documents/hart/hart.html

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    Psychological abuse can lead to murder

    by Clare Murphy PhD on November 20 2009

    Men who murder their female partners are often motivated by a need to save face by regaining a sense of power and control if the woman threatens to leave, or does leave.

    Many mental health and legal professionals do not take women’s experience of psychological abuse and control seriously. But men’s perpetration of psychological abuse against female partners is serious. Very controlling men pose a very serious danger to women who threaten to leave or do leave.

    Jacquelyn Campbell PhD devised the Danger Assessment Instrument to aid in assessing the level of risk to women for being murdered by their controlling partner. One of the risk factors noted in this instrument includes whether the woman had left her partner after living together during the previous year.

    Controlling behaviours as risk factors

    There are several signs of psychologically abusive and controlling behaviours listed in Campbell’s Danger Assessment Instrument. These include: whether the man has threatened to kill the woman or harm her children; whether he has ever forced the woman to have sex against her will; whether he has a history of controlling her activities, who she sees, how much money she can use and when she can use the car; whether he has spied on her, left her threatening notes, made unwanted phone calls or left threatening phone messages; whether he has destroyed her property; and, whether he has displayed constant jealousy saying things like, “If I can’t have you, no one can.”

    Other factors that can place a woman at risk of murder

    Other risk factors listed on Campbell’s Danger Assessment Instrument include whether physical violence increased in severity or frequency over the previous year; whether the man owns a gun; if he has previously used a weapon against the woman or threatened her with a lethal weapon; whether he has previously tried to choke her or has beaten her while pregnant; whether he has avoided being arrested for domestic violence; whether he is unemployed; whether the woman has a child that is not his; whether he uses illegal drugs or is an alcoholic or problem drinker. Another two factors include whether the man has threatened or tried to commit suicide and whether the woman has previously threatened or tried to commit suicide.

    Women’s perceptions of risk must be taken seriously

    Several research studies have found that an important source of assessing whether the woman is in danger of being murdered by her partner is whether the woman believes he is capable of killing her. Jacquelyn Campbell PhD importantly includes this question in her Danger Assessment Instrument.

    If you know a woman is afraid for her life you must take her fear seriously and help her devise a safety plan. Research shows that women can accurately assess whether their partner will use physical violence, whether he will psychologically abuse her in the future, and whether he will kill her.

    However, women are not always accurate. Some women minimise the psychological abuse and physical violence that their partner uses, therefore may minimise future risk. If you, as a professional, friend, or family member believe the woman might be in danger, it is important that you use a risk assessment instrument with her to check for any signs of possible danger.

    Jacquelyn Campbell’s Danger Assessment Instrument can be downloaded for free from her website, along with her permission statement and guidelines for the use of the Instrument. You will see on her website that she recommends that people seek training from her to enhance safe and adequate use of the Instrument. The correct use of the instrument is vital.

    Disclaimer:

    This blog post must not be used to gauge risk to women. The purpose of this post is to name some of the issues and guide you to Jacquelyn Campbell PhD’s website at www.dangerassessment.com . . . The use of any risk instrument should always be used in conjunction with women’s perceptions. Campbell’s Instrument does this.

    References:

    Bell, Margaret E., Cattaneo, Lauren Bennett, Goodman, Lisa A. & Dutton, Mary Ann. (2008). Assessing the risk of future psychological abuse: Predicting the accuracy of battered women’s predictions. Journal of Family Violence, 23, 69-80.

    Braaf, Rochelle & Sneddon, Clare. (2007). Family law act reform: The potential for screening and risk assessment for family violence: Australian Domestic and Family Violence Clearinghouse Issues Paper 12.

    Brewster, Mary P. (2003). Power and control dynamics in prestalking and stalking situations. Journal of Family Violence, 18, 207-217.

    Campbell, Jacquelyn C. (2003). Danger Assessment Instrument. Available from http://www.dangerassessment.org/WebApplication1/pages/product.aspx

    Campbell, Jacquelyn C. (2004). Helping women understand their risk in situations of intimate partner violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 19, 1464-1477.

    Campbell, Jacquelyn C., Webster, Daniel W., Koziol-McLain, Jane, Block, Carolyn, Campbell, Doris, Curry, Mary Ann; et al. (2003). Risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships: Results from a multisite case control study. American Journal of Public Health, 93, 1089-1097.

    Campbell, Jacquelyn C., Webster, Daniel W. & Glass, Nancy. (2009). The danger assessment: Validation of a lethality risk assessment instrument for intimate partner femicide. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 24, 653-674.

    Heckert, D. Alex & Gondolf, Edward W. (2004). Battered women’s perceptions of risk versus risk factors and instruments in predicting repeat reassault. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 19, 778-800.

    Weisz, Arlene, Tolman, Richard M. & Saunders, Daniel G. (2000). Assessing the risk of severe domestic violence: The importance of survivors’ predictions. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 15, 75-90.

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